Read Spiral of Bliss 01 Arouse for Free Online Page A

was a reason for concern?”
    “No. She said to keep track of my cycles and let her know if the irregularity continues. She said she could put me on birth control pills to regulate them, if it becomes an issue.”
    “The pills made you sick, remember?”
    “Yeah, well, I… I was wondering if maybe you wanted to give it a go without any birth control at all.”
    That didn’t come out quite the way I’d expected.
    My heart is pounding hard as Dean looks up. That shutter descends over his face again, like a transparent shield that allows me to look at him without really
seeing
him. My insides twist.
    “You want to try and have a baby?” he asks.
    I haven’t even explicitly asked myself that question yet. I poke at a grain of rice.
    “Liv.”
    “I don’t know,” I admit.
    “If you don’t want to use birth control, you
should
know.”
    Of course he’s right. Silence stretches taut between us.
    “Liv.” Dean reaches across the table and tilts my head up to look at him. “You told me before we got married that you didn’t want children.”
    “That means I can’t change my mind?”
    “Have you?”
    “I don’t know.” For some inexplicable reason, tears spring to my eyes. I push away from the table and stalk to the living room, tension coiling through me. “What if I did?”
    “Then we’d have a lot to discuss.” Dean follows me and stops in the doorway, his gaze level. “Is this all because your period was late?”
    “It’s not
all
because of that.”
    “Then what?”
    “I just want to talk about it.” I turn to face him. “Haven’t you thought this might be a good time to consider starting a family?”
    “No, because we’d never intended to have children.”
    “But we’ve been married for three years, we’re settled here for the foreseeable future, you’re financially secure, you have a tenure-track job, and I—”
    My voice breaks like a dry twig. I…
what
?
    “You what?” Dean asks.
    His question is low and quiet. I look at the floor.
    I’d be a good mother?
My doubts about my abilities are just one of the reasons I’ve never wanted children. I spent most of my own childhood yielding to my beautiful, self-centered mother, who was anything but nurturing.
    “I was just thinking about it,” I mutter.
    “Because you’re looking for something to do?”
    I’m so shocked by this question that I can only stare at him. I can’t even speak. He continues looking at me, and worse than the actual words is the fact that he doesn’t try to apologize or take the question back—not that that would do any good.
    “I’m…” My throat tightens. I force the words past the constriction. “That’s what you think?”
    “I’m asking if that’s what you think.”
    “No! No, of course not.” I can’t stop the rush of tears, the ache spreading through my entire being. “God, Dean, you think I brought up the idea of a baby just to give me something to
do
? What the hell?”
    “You’ve never mentioned it before, Liv,” he says gently, but with annoying reason. “And I know you’ve been at loose ends, that you—”
    “So I must think of a baby as a
hobby
? Something to pass the time in between soap operas and grocery shopping?” Anger erupts in me and I stride across the room to shove him in the chest. “I might not have an illustrious academic career, but I’m not an airhead, dammit. I’ve been thinking about a baby because I fucking love you and I thought we had a good life, and it’d be something we could go through, you know, together—”
    “Liv, you don’t
go through
having a baby. There’s no end to it.”
    “I meant…”
What the hell did I mean?
    I take a breath. “Look, we’ve
gone through
a lot already, right? You and I? But we’re happy now. Secure. Isn’t this the next logical step?”
    Dean shakes his head. “Liv, I don’t think of having a baby as a step in some process. A baby would change everything, change
us
, forever. If that’s what you want, then