Read Speak Its Name: A Trilogy for Free Online Page B

I’ve screwed my courage to the sticking place in order to deliver it. Only not here.”
    Edward felt puzzled but nodded his agreement. They ate and drank in almost total silence, passing stilted pleasantries but unable to really communicate until they’d cleared the air between them. They’d paid their bill and walked half the length of the street before Hugo began to speak in earnest. “Edward, you must think I am the most inconsistent of creatures and I apologise for it profusely. All that I told you in your room the day we...” he cast a quick glance around to ensure they wouldn’t be overheard, “... kissed was true. I can’t trust myself when I’m alone with you.”
    “We’re alone now,” Edward said and immediately regretted it.
    “I mean in circumstances where we could do what we liked. I don’t think that we could kiss here and now, walking along the main road.” Hugo grinned and part of his old spark of mischief, sadly missing since last term, flared again. “What you don’t understand, because I’ve never told you, is the intense regret I feel about something I did. Something that happened before I met you.” He suddenly found the pavement to be enormously interesting.
    Edward couldn’t begin to guess what thoughts were going through his friend’s mind. “Do you want to tell me what it was? Is it so bad that I would turn on my heel and leave?”
    Hugo looked up, then along his shoulder at his friend, his face a picture of uncertainty. “I honestly don’t know. Tell me.” He stopped, looked Edward uneasily in the eye. “Was there ever anyone before me? Some lucky man or girl who stole your heart?”
    The words seemed light, almost frivolous. But Edward recognised they hid a wealth of feeling. He drew a long breath. “There’s never been anyone who’s even looked at me twice, until you invited me to that picnic. So the answer is a resounding no .”
    “It’s not the same for me, I’m afraid.” If Hugo saw the brief look of distress that appeared on Edward’s face and was quickly hidden, he didn’t acknowledge it. “I know you’re going to be disappointed in me, but we’ve got to thrash this out. I have to tell you the truth.” He sighed. “I went to a club in London. Picked up this girl and took her out in my car.”
    “Girl...” Edward couldn’t stop the word from escaping his lips, nor the obvious surprise in his voice.
    Hugo seemed deliberately to ignore the remark, as if he’d started his confession now and was afraid any distraction might make it impossible to finish. “I wanted to prove to myself that I was normal, that I could feel and do as other men did. I suspect I hoped that if I tried it the accepted way, that it might make me want to carry on doing the same. Stop wanting to do it any other way.” He looked by turns embarrassed or on the verge of laughter.
    Even Edward saw the comical side; Hugo sounded like a convent girl trying to discuss intimate matters without ever letting a dirty word pass her lips. “And did it?” Edward’s training in analytical chemistry might not have been a great preparation for life, but it had given him the skill of cutting through to the crux of any matter.
    “I never found out. Trying to embrace her was bad enough. Have you ever tried to kiss anyone while the act made you feel physically sick?”
    Edward shook his head. He’d known no such thing, but he thought again of their own first meeting, because of the association with being sick. Strange how the memory of that time was full of happiness for both of them, although it had been such an unpleasant experience.
    “I had to get rid of her with a handful of cash and a lift to a cab rank. It wasn’t something I would ever want to repeat.” Hugo’s cheeks burned as he spoke.
    Edward waited for the story to continue, wondering what could have happened to make his friend so flushed. When they’d gone a good hundred yards and Hugo was still silent, he knew he had to speak.