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it.
    Everyone laughs. If he says jokes, I need to start
paying attention.
    “…legalized prostitution in Nevada. Why, just in
our neighborhood there are places where women take off their clothes for money.”
    Hello. I’m awake.
    Hayden looks at me with his eyes wide and
apologetic. I don’t want his sympathy. I’m okay with what I did. I was in
control. True, I didn’t want Thom to know about it, but that doesn’t mean
anything.
    Apparently, all the ills of society stem from the
degradation of sex, pornography and stripping. All this from a guy I could
totally picture in the Wild Lily. What’s the big deal with sex? People have
been doing it since they crawled out of the slime. What I wore to dance wasn’t
anything different than I see on every beach, every magazine and grocery store
isle. I’m sure this guy swims, or is that evil too? Maybe he doesn’t even take
his clothes off to shower.
    I can’t wait until we can leave. I should never have
come. I concentrate on my breathing—it’s become difficult again. Everyone
stands and starts toward the doors. Hayden grabs my hand to lead me. It’s so
calming to touch him.
    Leah weaves through the clusters of people
congratulating themselves on how little sex they have.
     “Don’t forget the brownies,” Leah calls.
    “Oh, thanks.”
    “Run and get them, I’ll wait with Baby. I want to
invite her to group,” Leah says.
    I try to tell him no without words. I scream,
plead and cajole with my eyes.
    “I’ll be right back, Baby.”
    I sigh for a response. His warmth drops my hand.
    “Are you free on Tuesday nights?”
    There’s no way I’m coming back to church again.
“Well, I need to look for a new job.”
    “It’s an all-girls group. So much fun. Meets at my
house.”
    She doesn’t even know me.
    “We’re discussing a way for girls to remain under
the roof of their father, covered by their father, until they go under the roof
of their husband.”
    Is she even speaking English? I turn and walk away
without looking back. When I get to Hayden’s truck, I remember the door is
locked. Dually checked.
    There are girls like Leah, and there are girls
like me.
    I need to get away. I look at the building and it
makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I am dirty. I am cursed. I know
for sure now that I have a spirit over me. It’s my fault Brita was killed. Evil
is with me. I need to walk.
    The sound of gravel under my feet soothes me. Each
step takes me farther from that place. They can’t protect themselves from girls
like me, so they huddle together. At least there are not any footsteps
following me this time.
    I don’t know where I’ll go. It’s too far to walk
back to the reservation, but as long as I can get to town, maybe Raenah will
pick me up. Ugh. Her Rabbit’s still broken. I need something to hit. Instead, I
run. Fortunately, the road slopes down. Momentum keeps me going, but I’m so out
of shape and weak from the feeling I had when I looked at the church.
    Tires crunch the gravel behind me. I stumble back
to keep from getting hit. Ground strikes my elbows, hard. The pain shoots
through to the healing wound on my cheek. I can’t breathe. Something is on my
chest. I’m going to die. I’ll die on the side of this road.
    Hayden squats over me, his arms move to surround
me. He shushes me. Sunshine strokes my hair. I smell his sweat. I’m spent,
poured out like the last drop of Thom’s vodka.
    “Do you get a lot of panic attacks?”
    “Is that what that was?”
    “Yeah, I think.” He pulls me to my feet.
    “No.” I hear a car and have the same sensation
that I’m going to die, but this time I feel distant from the previous fear, like
I’m only reading about it. “It’s your church.” I try at humor to lighten the
look on his face. I feel like I want Hayden to lean in and hold me more. I hate
the feeling.
    “I’m going to take you home.” He tries to walk me
to the car, but I don’t want to be coddled. I want to be