Read Something Right Behind Her for Free Online Page A

thing, for the day out, for
my wanting to be there with her. I wanted to explain to her it wasn’t all for
her, it was for me too. I didn’t want for her to be grateful to me. I didn’t
want her to need me more than I needed her.
    Pretty soon
after that, she was asleep, with her head turned toward me, but hanging a
little unnaturally off the pillow. I knew it was true then. She couldn’t make
the natural adjustment, couldn’t lift her own head. I could have gone to get
her mom, or Doug, but what could anyone do for her, really? At first I was
afraid I’d hurt her, but then I knew I was being silly, so I shifted the pillow
around underneath her until she looked more comfortable, and she murmured
something in her sleep.
    I climbed out of
the bed and around all the equipment they had in there - chairs and
contraptions so Mrs. O’Meara could move Eve if she had to at night. My heart
was still beating sort of fast. I had to steady myself against the bedside. I
knew from what I’d read about ALS that activity didn’t make the disease
progress faster, it helped patients stay strong longer. Still, I felt guilty.
Maybe it was the pot? Maybe pot had some weird effect on people with ALS that
no one, not even the doctors, knew about? After all, how would they test such a
thing? If it had been harmful, there wasn’t anything to do about it now.
Anyway, Doug had been there too, and he was her brother. Wouldn’t he have said
so if he thought we were doing something stupid?
    The tightness
returned to my chest, a dark cloud-like feeling pressing on my head, making my
vision strangely contracted, like I was looking out of a telescope, or
binoculars. I had to calm down, stop this paranoid train of thought.

 
 
    I heard the TV
as I made my way down the stairs, and I half expected to find Doug asleep on
the couch, but he was sitting there, upright, as if he’d been waiting for me. I
started across the room, and he stood up to meet me. I had a crazy thought that
maybe he’d been downstairs thinking the same thing I had been, that Eve was
worse, and it was all our fault. He had small, white half-circles under each
eye where the sun had been blocked by his sunglasses. He looked tired. I took
another step forward and he just stood there looking at me. His eyes were dark
and troubled-looking.
    I still felt
shaky. I wanted to tell Doug about the dumb thoughts I was having. I wanted to
tell him everything, tell him about my nightmares, and how I was afraid I was
somehow always making everything worse. I opened my mouth, and began to say his
name, but then, suddenly, he pulled me close, took my face in his hands and
kissed me. I found my hands reaching up, almost involuntarily, to clutch at the
material of his polo shirt. I couldn’t speak. I kissed him again and again.
    Doug pushed the
towels Mrs. O’Meara had neatly left for me on the floral comforter off onto the
floor, and then lifted me onto the bed. I tried to recall the moment when I
knew this was going to happen. I pictured him standing on our front porch by
the pot of yellow marigolds my mother had planted. Maybe I had known then,
maybe I had even known why, but now I was all instinct and forgetfulness. I
wanted to forget every awful thing I’d wanted to tell him.
    I had boyfriends
before. Phillip Wang and I had been hot and heavy freshman year, before he
moved away. But that was a different kind of thing. He was one of those cute,
little guys who you weren’t even sure had hit puberty yet. That was almost two
years ago, stupid kid stuff.
    My lack of
experience was something I failed to mention as Doug reached to the floor and
pulled a condom from his wallet. I could have said something to him then, but
suddenly, I wasn’t sure whether losing my virginity was something that mattered
all that much. It seemed an almost innocent thing in that house, filled with
its machinery. How were Doug’s warm hands on me anything but innocent? It was
ALS that was corrupt, that was taking