particularly liked the part about me falling down on the train.
“It’s incredibly important to me that you think this is okay,” I admitted. The truth was, if she didn’t think it was a good idea, I’d almost be tempted to call the whole thing off, crazy as that might sound.
“Evie, you don’t need me to tell you that. It shouldn’t matter what I think, technically anyway. But I love Bruce, and I love you and I love the two of you together. You need each other. He wouldn’t know what to do without you. And you’re a much better person when you’re with him. And since you’re not breaking up anytime soon, you might as well tie the knot!”
“That’s exactly how I feel about it!” I knew she’d understand. “And I hope you know that this doesn’t mean things are going to change. We can still do all the things we planned, like our California road trip. Bruce doesn’t have to come.”
“You bitch!” Morgan laughed, impressed.
“Well, maybe we can all go together—you, me, Bruce and Billy.”
She snorted and said, “As long as they take a separate car.”
Morgan really is happy for me, which is good, since she’s the only one whose opinion counts. Whenever Bruce and I hit a rough spot, like when he wanted to get a cat, and I said I’d prefer to eat a cat, she knew just what to say to make me feel like I wasn’t being a bitch. There’s a very fine line between being right and being wrong, and Morgan helps me not to cross onto the wrong side. After all these years, she knows Bruce almost as well as I do, and isn’t afraid to point out what a jerk I can be, or how rare it is to find a guy you can trust.
Morgan’s a hell of a lot better at getting me to see the errors of my ways than my mom is, especially when Bruce and I are in a fight. Somehow, Mom has a way of getting Bruce to sound like medicine that’ll cure what’s wrong with me. It just makes me want to go home and flush him down the toilet.
Since I was still a little pissed off at her for last month’s whole therapy debacle ( Cosmopolitan, August: “Does Your Mother Need Help? Tell It To Her Like It Is!”), and lest her reaction have the unanticipated side effect of me changing my mind, I thought I’d spare myself the trauma of a live scene and call her with the good news on speakerphone instead. I like secretly putting her on speaker. Bruce never used to believe me when she said something awful. At first he felt a bit guilty about it, but after he heard all the hideous things she says to me, he could no longer deny the pure entertainment value.
“Oh, Evelyn,” she sniffed, “I’m so happy for you.” Understatement of the century. She’s been dreaming about this moment for twenty-seven years. “I knew he’d get around to it eventually, but I was starting to wonder. It’s not like you’re getting any younger! Bruce are you there?”
She often has trouble choosing between the high road and the low road.
“Hi, Lilly. I’m here,” he said, stifling a laugh.
“Mom, wait till you hear how he proposed,” I said.
“Good, Bruce. You did good. So now you’ll officially be part of the family!” she said, ignoring me.
“That’s why I asked her.” Part of Bruce’s mission in life is to impress my mom.
“You got yourself a special girl, Bruce,” she continued. “You know that. Truth be told, though, she’s the lucky one. That’s what I’ve been telling her for years. But whether she’ll make a good wife or not, who knows?” They both cackled like hyenas.
“Ha, ha,” I said. “I’m still here, you know.”
“She’s going to make a great wife,” Bruce said, and squeezed my hand. “I have no doubt about that.”
“Well at least with Evie you can be sure there’s always gonna be enough to eat around the house!” she finished triumphantly. Bruce knew better than to laugh at this, although it looked like he wanted to.
“Aw, Lilly, you’re right. Evie is a great cook.”
Mom snorted. I don’t