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appétit!
    Closing your eyes to the problem will not make it go away. You don’t want to see it, but you’ll eat it? So, yeah, if you want to get skinny, you’ve got to be a vegetarian—someone who doesn’t eat dead animals or seafood. Quit whining. We weren’t raised by hip-pie-crunchy-granola parents on vegetarian communes. Growing up, we both ate meat all day, every day. We scoffed at tofu and spit on vegetables. Really. Kim’s addictions included such delicacies as corned beef hash, canned Vienna sausages, and daily Big Macs.
    Every single day in 1992, Rory ate a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich for breakfast, followed by a bacon double cheeseburger, fries, and a soda for lunch. Dinner was always a dead chicken, fish, cow, or pig.
    Now granted, we didn’t give up meat just to get skinny. We both became vegetarians after learning about the treatment of farm animals. But we each noticed big changes in our minds, attitudes, health, moods, and asses when we gave up carcass. So before you say, “I could never give up meat,” realize that nearly every single vegetarian on the planet said those same words. Then shut the fuck up, look at an inspirational picture of a skinny bitch, and clean out your freezer.
    There are a ton of awesome, soy-based fake meat products on the market. Not only do they taste great, but soy has been lauded for lowering cholesterol, protecting against cancer, reducing the risk of heart attacks,69 and helping the body to better utilize calcium. Phytoestro-gens, found in soy, help protect women from breast cancer and can alleviate menopausal symptoms.70 However, there are opponents to soy, who claim that it can negatively impact the thyroid, cause mineral deficiencies, and raise the risk of breast cancer. But according to health expert Dr. Andrew Weil, “There is still much to be learned about soy, but the majority of research so far has shown that it’s a safe and nutritious food when eaten in reasonable amounts—about one or two daily servings.” 71 We encourage you to think for yourself and make your own decision.
    If you decide to eat soy products that imitate meat products, know that these foods may not taste exactly like the real thing. But once you get rid of your meat addiction, you’ll be satisfied with the substitutes. You just need to spend a few weeks (and dollars) experimenting until you find the ones you like. Veggie burgers exist by the dozen. Health Is Wealth makes fake buffalo wings that taste so good, your pubes will fall out. Gardenburger’s Flame-Grilled Chik’n is so amazing, you might have to kill yourself. Lightlife has a kick-ass line of “cold cuts” and fabulous “bacon.” Seek and ye shall find. One amazing website is www.vegieworld.com . It is an Asian mail order company that not only sells fake chicken and meat, but has fake seafood, too. But you don’t have to look far: We list lots of meatless wonders in Chapter 11. But remember, getting skinny means using your head. You must read all the ingredients and make sure there are no animal products in anything you buy. For the rest of your skinny life, every time you buy something that you will be swallow-ing, you must read the ingredients.

Chapter 5
    The Dairy Disaster
    Go suck your mother’s tits. Go on. Suck your mother’s tits. You think this is ridiculous? It is. Get ready to use your head.
    When a woman gives birth, her body produces milk and she nurses her child.
    Breast milk can grow an 8-pound newborn into a 24-pound tod-dler. Sounds pretty fattening, huh? It is. By design, it is intended to allow for the biggest growth spurt of a person’s entire life. Breast milk alone can accommodate for a 300 percent weight gain in a twelve-month period. When her child is anywhere from 12 to 24 months old, a mother stops breast feeding. Her milk dries up. The child will never drink breast milk ever again.
    Cows, like all mammals, are much the same. Their bodies produce milk only when they give birth. Contrary