Read Short Stories To Tickle Your Funnybone for Free Online Page A

or a cop-out on the menu selections.
Now understand, I’ve got nothing against
salad. I even eat it sometimes. But man didn’t get
to the top of the food chain by grazing. We’re
carnivores, after all. I needed meat.
I pointed to the menu and said to Rolph,
“Maybe you can help me out here. Where’s the
beef?”
I thought I detected a slight flinch, but
Rolph replied without hesitation, “May I
recommend our beef tenderloin medallions, garlic
whipped potatoes, and vegetable medley.”
“Sounds good to me,” I replied. “ Meat,
potatoes, and vegetables; can’t be too bad.”
Our dinners arrived. A huge bowl of salad
and a glass with shrimp butts sticking out the top
was placed in front of Maggie.
I looked at my plate. Good grief! There
were two tiny pieces of meat, each about the size
of a fifty-cent piece, and each was covered with a
teaspoon-sized dollop of mashed potatoes. On the
left side of the plate were two carrot spears and on
the right two asparagus spears. Yellow gunky stuff
was dribbled around the edge of the plate, and a
sprig of something that resembled the weeds I
spray in my yard was sticking out of the mashed
potatoes.
“Lovely presentation, isn’t it, sir?” Rolph
gushed.
“Presentation! Really?” I thought. “ I‘m
gonna starve!”
But to Rolph I replied, “Lovely, just
lovely. You wouldn’t happen to have some gravy
back there, would you?”
Wounded, he replied, “We don’t serve gravy here, sir.” He walked away.
It didn’t take long to finish dinner.
Rolph
returned
with
another
menu.
“Would you care to order dessert, sir?”
I was still hungry, and I was thinking of
Mel’s pies. Lemon, chocolate, and coconut cream.
Six inches high with creamy filling and fluffy
white meringue. “Sure,” I said and took the menu.
Okay, they had flambé, brûlée, and a torte,
but no pie.
Rolph returned. “Your order, sir?”
“Two tortes,” I replied, “and two cups of
coffee.” And off he went.
He returned with a dainty little cup about
the size of a big thimble. My heart sank as I
thought of the giant mugs of steaming coffee at
Mel’s. You could sit and drink all day for $1.95.
Here, I was paying $6 a gulp.
I turned to Rolph. “Do you give refills?”
Without even a nod he turned and walked away. I
think I was getting on his nerves.
He returned with our tortes. Do you know
what a torte is? Well, I didn’t either, but I soon
discovered it was a little square piece of pastry not
much larger than a postage stamp. It doesn’t even
have icing, but all kinds of colored syrup were
dribbled around
the
plate
in a
fancy
design.
Humph, must have been a Picasso torte. But what
good was it? The only way it could be eaten was
to lick it off the plate, and after what I’d seen so
far, I didn’t think that was an option.
Oh yeah. Presentation.
By the time I had paid my bill and tipped
Rolph and the valet, I had dropped a couple of cnotes. I could have eaten at Mel’s for two weeks
for that kind of money.
Probably won’t be back.
******************************************
An excerpt from Lady Justice Takes a C.R.A.P . http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-takes-acrap_308.html
The Airport
    Finally, after days of agonizing over airline
schedules, hotel reservations, and car rentals, it
was time to go.
    Vince had the only vehicle big enough to
haul all
four
of us and our luggage, and he
volunteered to take us to the airport. Maggie had
spent the night so that she, Willie, and I could be
picked up at my apartment. We heard the toot from his horn,
grabbed our bags, and headed
downstairs.
    Knowing my friends as I do, I should have
expected what was awaiting us on the front porch,
but it took us totally by surprise.
    Dad, Bernice, Jerry, and the professor had
set up a
card table
with a
small cake
and
champagne.
    Dad spoke first. “We may not be able to be
at the big shindig, but we sure as hell aren’t going
to let you get away without a proper sendoff.”
With that, he popped