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me in a pile for Jesse to gather up and carry home.
    And just like that, Will Foret was no longer in love with me.
    On the way home from Latrobe’s, I was inconsolable. Jesse tried to explain that Will wasn’t rejecting me, he was rejecting the duplicity. I listened, watching the city smear past me in the passenger window. He pulled the truck up to the curb in front of the Spinster Hotel, shutting off the engine. He turned to face me.
    “Want me to come up?”
    When the love of your life tosses you over because of your past, it’s easy to imagine running into the arms of the man who accepts everything about you, especially when those arms are warm and taut and welcoming. But while I did invite Jesse upstairs, I didn’t so much as kiss him.
    While he boiled water for tea, I slipped out of that awful, beautiful black satin dress and pulled on my sweats. While the tea steeped, I sobbed for a few minutes on the futon couch, pushing away my cat Dixie’s attempts to comfort me. Jesse sat beside me and listened. From time to time, he’d lay a reassuring arm on my forearm, telling me everything would be okay, that Will would come around, that I had done nothing wrong, and that I just had to be patient.
    “You heard him tonight, Jesse,” I said, tossing another ball of spent tissue onto my coffee table. “He’s
done
.”
    Jesse studied my face for an opening. He was going to be honest with me and I could already tell I wasn’t going to like what he was about to say.
    “Well, here’s the thing, Cassie. I’m a man … and I’m thinking … after the year that guy’s had, I’d be scared too.”
    “He’s not scared, he’s
pissed
.”
    “Let me tell you something about men, Cassie. When we get scared we don’t show ‘scared,’ we show ‘angry.’ ”
    Maybe there was some truth in all that, but I wasn’t ready to let Will off the hook, or myself.
    “Nah. He’s thinking, ‘What a fucking whore, glad I found out now.’ ”
    It was a tossed-off statement, but Jesse leaned towards me, peering into my face like a concerned doctor. “Why would you
say
something like that, Cass?”
    “You saw him, Jesse. He hates me. He is repulsed by what I’ve done.”
    “No he doesn’t, and he isn’t. He hates that the woman he loves has been leading some … I don’t know … strange, sexy double life … And he has no idea what to do about that but feel scared and threatened. You following me?”
    “I am. I just … I’ve made such mess of everything. Will and me.
You
and me. I mean, why are
you
even here being so nice to me after the way I treated you?”
    We hadn’t seen each other in about a month, not since the day Tracina’s baby was born, when it became evident that Will’s heart was mine, and mine his, and whatever I’d had with Jesse wasn’t going to amount to much more than sex.
    “There you go again with the self-fucking-loathing. You need to cut that out, Cass. I’m serious. If Matilda was here, she’d slap those words right out of your mouth for good.”
    “It’s true. I’m sorry.”
    Jesse’s face softened, concern giving way to kindness.
    “Don’t apologize to me. You never did anything wrong to me. Apologize to yourself.”
    My eyes felt hooded and swollen from tears. I rested my head on my upper arm, outstretched across the back of the futon. I let my fingers glance Jesse’s shoulder. I looked at him through my damp lashes. Was I flirting? No. Maybe.I was looking for comfort, connection. Jesse responded by moving close to me, then by placing a soft, sweet kiss on my temple.
    “Bye, doll. You sleep. I’ll call you.”
    If he had reached under my chin and drawn my mouth to his, would I have resisted? I think so. Maybe. No. Yes! Who knows? In truth, I had no idea what I wanted that night. But ambivalence, blurry lines, confusion and sadness, these were not aphrodisiacs to the men in S.E.C.R.E.T.
    Jesse rose and stretched, his taut stomach peeking out from beneath his T-shirt.