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smell of salt water fills my lungs as the soft breeze blows my long hair off of my shoulders. I close my eyes and picture myself in a different place where there is no pain, no sorrow. It's a short-lived bliss, a chance to forget my life for a moment. But the black cloud lingering overhead is always there, always threatening to come down around me at any moment.
    I wrap the afghan around myself before walking down the stairs and onto the wooden pathway that leads right to the sandy beach. This stretch of beach is private, and there are only five houses along it. The house to the right belongs to a retired and quite famous restaurant owner. He's hardly ever home, however. The house on the left at the end of the row has been empty for over two years. The asking price is steep, and it's going to be a hard sell in the struggling market. The realtor is constantly trying new tactics, raising and lowering the price and holding an open house every few months, but nothing seems to be working.
    Shifting my gaze from the house, I look towards the ocean. The sun is setting, and the sky is filled with purple, blue and orange. I stake my claim on the beach near the water, pull my knees up to my chest and push my feet into the cool sand. I wrap the afghan tighter around me and begin my nightly routine. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and I let them fall freely. My sobs are masked by the crashing ocean waves. This is where I seek solace every night. I cry because I think I would explode if I didn't get some sort of release. With pent-up emotions always running rampantly through me, I have to vent somehow.
    Nathan forbids me to cry in front of him. Deep down I think the tears remind him of how much he's actually hurting me, and he doesn't want to face the truth. I used to cry and scream and yell at him, but I learned a long time ago that it only leads to more punishment, more pain and a hell of a lot more tears. I'm conditioned to feel numb around him, and it's easier that way. The only downfall is that I also feel numb around everyone else all the time.
    Nathan wasn't always like this. He was so sweet and kind at first, especially the first night we met at my graduation party. I quickly fell in love with him. Thinking back on it now, though, I realize I never knew what love really was. I think I fell in love with the idea of him. I was young and inexperienced as to the cruelties of the world. Nathan portrayed himself as someone completely opposite of who he is now. The man I fell for was nothing but a carefully crafted façade, a myth, a real-life monster in disguise. And there isn't a day that goes by where I don't regret saying I do at the wedding. Two years, one month and fifteen days later I'm still regretting it.
    Things could have been so different for me if I hadn't met Nathan. I would have traveled Europe, exploring my independence and then headed to college like I had always planned, becoming a teacher instead of a trophy wife . I hated that term with a passion, but that was exactly what I had become. I was a piece of eye candy hanging on my husband's arm at every event, every party, every social gathering.
    I like to think about the possible what ifs sometimes even if it hurts me to my very core. What if I would have met someone in college, someone kind and gentle who wouldn't even think of laying a hand on me? We would have fallen in love, married, had two-point-five kids and lived in a house with a white picket fence in the suburbs. I would be happy.
    Sighing, I shake my head, dispelling the notion. The dreams I once had for my life have slowly been destroyed one by one. I try not to think about how different my life could be now, because it only depresses me further. As long as I am here in this prison with him , I will never have a future --- at least not a happy one.
    I'm only twenty-three, but I feel like a shell of my former carefree, rebellious self. And I worry that if I don't get out of this relationship soon,