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marriage, or in a basically good marriage with one particular issue that grates on you, you can be sure that God wants to mature you as you face this problem with strength , courage , dignity , and biblical wisdom . God could, of course, speak the word and your problem would be solved — voilà! But that’s not how God usually works. He allows us to face issues that may terrify us and make us feel completely inadequate — he may even walk us through our deepest fears — so that we can grow in him.
    The Bible is adamant about this. Spiritual growth takes place by persevering through difficult times:
“We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us” (Romans 5:3 – 5).
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2 – 4).
“These [trials] have come so that your faith — of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire — may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed” (1 Peter 1:7).
    Most of us will never confront the physical persecution these verses were directly addressing, but we do face spiritual and relational trials with the same effect. God can use your marriage to make you a stronger, wiser, and more complete woman — provided you don’t run from the challenges that being married to your husband represents.
    The Equation of Change
     
    Your marriage isn’t just a number on a scale of 1 to 10; it’s a mathematical equation: x + y = z . Your husband may be the x — a number you absolutely can’t change. But if you change the y (that’s you), you influence the overall result of your marriage: x + 2 y = q . That’s at once both the beauty (change is always possible, even if only unilaterally) and the frustration (the nature of that change is limited and not guaranteed) of human relationships. It’s also why this book focuses on how a woman can influence a man, not on how a woman can change a man.
    It is entirely natural and healthy to dream big things for your husband, but that’s very different from selfishly demanding those things. 3 When you dream something in a positive way, you offer yourself to God as an instrument of love, change, and spiritual transformation. When you demand that someone change for your sake, you’re literally trying to bend the world around your comfort, your needs, and your happiness. That’s pride, arrogance, and self-centeredness — and God will never bless that .
    So let’s lay out our expectations right at the outset. What do you dream for your man? Maybe you want your husband to stop drinking, to pay more attention to the kids, to pray with you, or to read with you. Or perhaps you want him to stop giving free rein to his temper, to quit looking at pornography, or to be more of a spiritual leader. Chances are pretty good you want your husband to be more relationally aware and involved.
    These are good dreams! Any man would get a tremendous blessing if just one of them were to come to pass. But please keep this in mind: your eternal standing before God does not depend on the success of any of these endeavors.
    The good news is that you and God are in this together. He knew, even before he created you, who you’d marry. And he will continue to give you the tools you need to become the person he’s called you to be and to do the work he’s created you to do within your current relationship. God would never leave you alone in any situation: “He will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6). Even if you married a non-Christian, God’s grace is sufficient for you. You cannot dig a hole so deep that it cuts you off from God’s provision, care, and life-giving