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like fate had let me slip through the cracks by accident and then, when it saw that I might actually escape this hell, it clawed its fingers into my legs and jerked me back down, pulling me under the polluted waters to drown me in my own hate and regret.
    Fuck dreams and fuck those people who actually had them. Sometimes I thought I should just give into it all and hope that I’d be swallowed up in the despair of that town just like everyone else, but the thought that there was life after death and that Sean might possibly have some idea of what I was doing, that was the only thing that kept me from throwing my hands up and letting all those ugly demons devour me.
    We pulled up in front of the dealer’s house and Luke opened the door. “You just stay out here.”
    I watched him stumble up the concrete stairs. It was cold out, but the smell of the cheap vodka Luke had all but doused himself in brought back memories from my childhood, and I couldn’t stand it. I had to get that scent away from me, even if it meant freezing my ass off by having the window down. I heard the door to the house open; the fifteen dogs crammed inside the house went crazy, and their barking almost drowned out the conversation.
    “Man, you’re short a hundred bucks,” the dealer said.
    “No, man. It should all be there.” Luke slurred his words, but somehow managed to sound certain.
    There was a pause, most likely because the dealer was recounting the bills. “Fuck no, man. It’s short. What you gonna do about this? I can’t be having shit like this. Fuck, L. I like you, don’t make me fucking put a bullet in your head over a hundred bucks.”
    “What do you want? I don’t have any more cash. I can get it to you tomorrow.”
    “No. That’s not gonna work.”
    I heard the distinct sound of a gun cock and I slowly slid over to the driver’s side. My heart felt like it was in the back of my throat and my mouth instantly became dry. I fumbled for the ignition and realized Luke had taken the keys with him. As much as I’d thought I didn’t care if I died, I realized in that moment that I actually did.
    I was staring intently at the porch, and the dealer’s stout silhouette blocked out the porch light. “That your girl in the car?”
    “Yeah.”
    “Oh.” He laughed. “I think we can work something out.”
    Luke rubbed his hand over the top of his head. “What, you want to fuck her or something?”
    “She any good?”
    I watched Luke shrug, and he mumbled, “Good enough that it should cover the hundred dollars.”
    They both made their way toward the car, and I gripped the steering wheel.
    When Luke got to the sidewalk he shouted, “Get out of the car, Roxy. Come on.”
    I opened the door, but instead of walking toward him, I ran in the opposite direction toward another house, my shoes slapping the pavement as I tried to escape.
    I barely made it across the street before I felt someone grab the back of my shirt. It ripped and he spun me around. Luke’s eyes were wide and that chiseled jaw of his that gave the impression he was worth a shit was clenched.
    “Are you fucking stupid?” he growled, the strong aroma of vodka and Marlboro Reds hissing over my face. “I said,” his fingers wrapped around my throat and squeezed, “to get out of the car, not to run. You got a hearing problem, bitch?”
    Everything inside of me tried to shut down. My defense mechanisms I’d learned as a child kicked in, and I tried to force myself to become numb.
    Luke kept tightening his hold on my neck until I instinctively reached up and tried to pry his hands free. “Please,” I managed to choke out. “I love you.”
    I didn’t mean it—I had grown so numb by the time I was ten, I couldn’t love anyone besides my brother and sister—but those words were the only thing that would usually make Luke stop.
    He loosened his grip momentarily, his eyes flickering in the street light. “Whores can’t love. Shut the fuck up and get in the