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for consistency. The lifetrap is what we know. Although it is painful, it is comfortable and familiar. It is therefore very difficult to change. Furthermore, our lifetraps were usually developed when we were children as appropriate adaptations to the family we lived in. These patterns were realistic when we were children; the problem is that we continue to repeat them when they no longer serve a useful purpose.
     
HOW LIFETRAPS DEVELOP
     
    A number of factors contribute to the development of lifetraps. The first is temperament. Temperament is inborn. It is our emotional makeup, the way we are wired to respond to events.
    Like other inborn traits, temperament varies. It also covers a range of emotions. Here are some examples of traits we believe may be largely inherited.
     

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    POSSIBLE DIMENSIONS OF TEMPERAMENT
     
    Shy <—> Outgoing
    Passive <—> Aggressive
    Emotionally Flat <—> Emotionally Intense
    Anxious <—> Fearless
    Sensitive <—> Invulnerable

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    You might think of your temperament as the combination of your locations on all of these dimensions, and others we do not yet know of or understand.
    Of course, behavior is influenced by environment as well. A safe and nurturing environment may make even a shy child relatively outgoing; and, if things get bad enough, even a relatively invulnerable child can be beaten down.
    Heredity and environment shape and influence us. This is true (although to a lesser degree) even of traits that seem purely physical, such as height. We are born with a potential for a certain height, and whether we reach that potential depends in part on our environment—whether we are well fed, have a healthy environment, etc.
    The most important early influence in our environment is our family. To a large extent, the dynamics of our family were the dynamics of our early world. When we reenact a lifetrap, what we are reenacting is almost always a drama from our childhood family. For example, Patrick reenacts what happened to him, his abandonment by his mother, and Madeline reenacts being abused.
    In most cases the influence of family is strongest at birth and progressively declines as the child grows up. Other influences become important—peers, school, etc.—but the family remains the primal situation. Lifetraps develop when early childhood environments are destructive. Here are some examples:
     

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    EXAMPLES OF DESTRUCTIVE EARLY ENVIRONMENTS
     
One of your parents was abusive, and the other was passive and helpless.
Your parents were emotionally distant and had high expectations for achievement.
Your parents fought all the time. You were caught in the middle.
One parent was sick or depressed and the other was absent. You became the caretaker.
You became enmeshed with a parent. You were expected to act as a substitute spouse.
A parent was phobic and overprotected you. This parent was afraid to be alone and clung to you.
Your parents criticized you. Nothing was ever good enough.
Your parents overindulged you. They did not set limits.
You were rejected by peers, or felt different.

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    Heredity and environment interact. The destructive influences of our childhood interacted with our specific temperament in the formation of our lifetraps. Our temperament may partially determine how we were treated by our parents. For example, often only one child in a family is singled out for abuse. And our temperament partially determines how we responded to that treatment. Given the same environment, two children can react very differently. Both might be abused, but one becomes passive and the other fights back.
     
WHAT A CHILD NEEDS TO THRIVE
     
    Our childhood does not have to be perfect for us to be reasonably welladjusted adults. It just has to be, as D. W. Winnicott said, „good enough.“ A child has certain core needs for basic safety, connection to others, autonomy, self-esteem, self-expression, and realistic limits. If these are met, then the child will usually thrive