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it's meant tae be Christmas!
    — Right, Ma, ah goes, lookin at Joe. That Greg cunt might huv brainwashed her, that's wimmin fir ye, no goat much brains tae fuckin wash in the first place, bit Joe n me huv been aroond long enough tae see right through a cunt like that.
    Best keepin the auld lady fuckin sweet but, or shi'll huv a coupon oan her aw day. So wi gits back through wi the rest ay thum n ah sits doon n picks up the Radio Times. Ah starts tae circle aw the programmes wir gaunny watch. The wey ah see it is thit some cunt's goat tae decide, tae stoap every fucker fae squabblin, so it might as well be me. That's what ah like best aboot Christmas, jist sittin back wi a few cans n watchin a good film.
    Ya beauty! James Bond's oan. Doctor No , n it's jist aboot tae fuckin well start.
    Sean Connery, the best fuckin Bond. Ye dinnae want some fuckin poncey English cunt, no fir James Bond.
    Mind you, no thit ah really agree wi huvin some cunt fae Tolcross as Bond. Thaire's cunts fae Leith thit could've done that joab jist as well as Connery. Auld Davie Robb, drinks in the Marksman, he must be aboot ages wi Connery. A fuckin hard cunt in ehs day, everybody'll tell ye that. Intae everythin, he wis. Cunts like that could've been good Bonds, if they'd goat the fuckin trainin, likes.
    — Wir no watchin Doctor No , muh ma sais, — Come on, Francis!
    — Ah'd awready picked it but, Ma, ah tells her.
    She's standin thaire, wi her airms aw folded, the fuckin billy ay the wash-hoose, like she wants ays tae gie her the remote. Nae chance ay that. Sometimes ah think thit muh ma forgets thit this is as much ma hoose as it is hers. Ah might no huv steyed here fir years, bit this wis the hoose thit ah grew up in, so ye still eywis think ay it as your hoose. Ah think she sometimes firgets that. — Yuv seen it loads ay times! she moans.
    — The wee yins might want tae watch the cartoon videos they goat fir Christmas!
    — Toy Story 2 . . . one ay the bairns goes. That wee Philip, a sneaky wee bastard, that yin. Takes eftir ehs ma.
    Some cunts are that fuckin clueless thit ye huv tae explain everything. — Naw, cause that's the whole point ay gittin a fuckin video, ah goes tae thum, — thit ye kin watch it any time ye like. Ye cannae watch the Bond film any time ye like. Ye either watch it or ye dinnae, n yuv goat tae watch a Bond film at Christmas. Joe? Ah turns tae ma brar.
    — Ah'm no bothered, Joe goes.
    Sandra looks acroas at him, then at me, then at Kate. Ye jist ken that big cow's gaunny say somethin cause she goes aw that huffy, puffed-up wey. — So wi huv tae watch what Frank wants again, ah take it. Fine, she goes, aw sarcastic.
    — Dinnae fuckin start, Joe goes, pointin at her.
    — Ah'm jist sayin what yir ma's sayin, thit the bairns –
    Joe cuts her oaf. — Ah sais dinnae fuckin start. Eh lowers ehs voice. — Ah've telt ye.
    She sits bristlin away on the fuckin couch, bit she's no lookin at anybody n she's no sayin nowt.
    Joe looks at me, n shakes ehs heid.
    It wis aboot time eh wis gittin her telt.
    Muh ma looks ower at Greg n Elspeth. They've been sittin oan thair ain; jist whisperin away, n laughin tae thumselves in the corner, aw antisocial. Meant tae be a fuckin faimlay Christmas wir huvin here. If the cunts wanted tae dae that, they could fuckin well dae it ootside.— What dae youse two want tae watch? muh ma asks thum.
    They look at each other like thir no bothered, and this smarmy cunt, this Greg poof goes, — Well, ah'm with Frank. Ah think it would be a good laugh tae watch the Bond movie. Then the cunt goes in this posh voice, — Ah, Mr Bond, I've been expecting you . . . n muh ma laughs n ah even sees a wee smile oan the corner ay Joe's lips.
    Of course, the bairns are aw laughin now, n every cunt suddenly thinks it's aw a fuckin great idea tae watch the Bond movie, now thit this fuckin Greg wanker's intae it.
    Ruined ma fuckin enjoyment ay the film.
    These cunts; that two, that Greg n Elspeth; thuv been