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out of danger.”
    “It’s not that simple.”
    “You can’t do all this removal business by yourself! We know every nook and cranny of this place. We can help you!”
    Uncle Alistair holds his hands up. “Listen. If you die, I’m dead. I mean, your mum and dad will kill me. I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I can’t take you with me.”
    Valentina is devastated and I’m vaguely relieved. She’s about to open her mouth to protest, when a loud howling interrupts her. We both jump up. What creature makes that sound? A wolf?
    “No need for alarm, children. It’s just letting me know I have an email.” He turns to the computer.“Old Petru Vasilescu sent me the podcast. We were in Transylvania together for a while, before he went a touch crazy and started believing he was a bat. But I digress.” He leans towards the screen. “Oh… excellent. Splendid. Smashing.”
    “Wonderful. Amazing,” mutters Valentina, rolling her eyes. She’s sulking.
    “Looks like the first case is in, children!”
    “And we can help?” Valentina perks up.
    “No.”
    And that’s the end of it. 

6. WE GET OUR FIRST GIG
    Alistair Grant’s Scottish Paranormal Database
Entry Number 150: Stone fairies attack
Type: Fairy
Location: Lochgilphead
Date: 19 October 1973
Details: On 19 October 1973, a tribe of stone fairies made their way into the home of Frank and Eavan McTaggart in Lochgilphead, in order to steal their newborn daughter and swap her for a changeling. Stone fairies are elementals, said to be born from the stones themselves. They are mischievous by nature, and can be malicious and vindictive. They’ve been known to steal babies, to raise them as their own. Luckily, in this instance, the little girl’s grandmother scared them away.
    Except it’s not.
    “Mmmmm.” Uncle Alistair points at the screen. “See what you make of that.”
    Valentina doesn’t need to be asked twice. She stands up like a shot and starts reading the email aloud, over Uncle Alistair’s shoulder.
    To [email protected]
    From [email protected]
     
    Dear Alistair,
    It’s Kenny McMillan here – do you remember me? I’m a distant cousin on your father’s mother’s side. I’m writing to you because here in Hag we have a big problem, and we need your help.
    It’s the stone fairies. My own grandfather always said they were a nuisance, but they have got out of hand now. They scare the children. They turn the milk. Precious things disappear. They steal from letter boxes – anything they can get their hands on. They trip people up – poor Bill broke his wrist last Wednesday. They tripped a woman carrying her baby down the stairs of the post office. Thank goodness they were both fine, but she was terrified. They rip books in the library and make a mess in church. The kirk elders are in such a state!
    We’ve tried everything, Libby and I – Libby’s my wife, I don’t believe you ever met her? We put salt on the doorsteps and the windows, then pine needles and garlic too. We left bread and milk and cream in bowls all around the place. We left copper kettles and pots in the woods, and little mirrors, and even jewellery. As you’ll know, they love copper. But nothing works. Nobody knows what to do. We’re at the end of our tether. I went into the woods and asked them to stop, but they didn’t even acknowledge me. When I turned away, one of them – how can I put this? – did something rude on my head. I went home stinking, and we had to wash my clothes five times before the smell went away!
    But yesterday, it all turned even worse. My neighbour Jimmy and I were out mushrooming, and Jimmy got bitten. It was agony, but worse was to come. Fairy bites, as I’m sure you know, carry weird illnesses and they make you do strange things. Now Jimmy has forgotten who he is and he’s disappeared into the woods. Today I saw him behind a bush, naked as the day he was born, talking to things we can’t see.
    Worst of all is that the stone fairies want