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he’s a thrill killer!’
    I span round, gun still in my hand. ‘Who said that?’ I asked – a bit crossly, if I’m honest. Nobody answered, but almost every eye in the room pointed to one young woman, who was looking at the ceiling. I walked towards her. ‘I suppose you think that’s a clever thing to say, do you? Well you’ve got it all wrong, young lady. Don’t you give me that attitude until you know something about me. I’m—I’m—’ I’m what? What could I possibly say that was going to make any difference to this situation?
    Luckily, Kathleen saved me. The course she’d been on really must have been quite good. I found myself wondering if they needed any actors to do role-play. With my experience…
    She must have come through the connecting door silently as she suddenly appeared at my elbow smiling and simpering like a Miss World contestant who’s been shown a photograph of a kitten.
    â€˜It’s alright, sir, everything is under control here, sir,’ she said, as all around her, her staff (and there did seem to be a lot more of them available for customer service than there were a few minutes ago) ladled handfuls of notes into cash bags, ‘Follow procedure four,’ she said quietly to the staff – then to me, ‘No one is going to say nasty things about you, sir,’ and she directed a harsh stare towards the young woman, ‘or do anything to you. I would just ask everyone to remain calm and then no one will get hurt.’
    I sat down on the nearest chair. How could this be happening?
    â€˜Look,’ I tried again, ‘I’m really not ready to walk out of here with that amount of money—’
    â€˜Oh, my God,’ said the thrill-killer woman, ‘He’s going to hold us all hostage and kill us one by one before taking on the police. No amount of money’s going to be enough. He’s a suicide, I tell you, he’s going for death by cop and he doesn’t care who he takes with him!’
    Everyone stood silently swearing. Well, not everyone. Some of them actually swore pretty loudly, given the circumstances, and Kathleen clapped her hands like a schoolmistress and said, ‘Now that is quite enough from you, madam.’
    I stared at the young woman.
    â€˜Do you watch a lot of TV?’ I asked.
    She didn’t answer.
    â€˜I wasn’t planning on shooting anyone,’ I said quietly, ‘but for you I might make an exception.’
    â€˜Please, Mr…Doolalley…?’ said Kathleen, squinting at the form I’d filled in.
    â€˜Donnelly,’ I corrected.
    She didn’t look convinced. ‘Donnelly. Okay. Now, Mr Donnelly, this really is all of the money that we have to hand and everything else is locked into a time-secure vault. And killing anyone, even yourself, isn’t going to change that. So I would respectfully suggest that you take what is on offer and make your getaway as best you can. And I’d like to thank you for your custom today, as every Nova Bank customer is a valued customer, no matter what their income bracket!’
    She beamed at me and then turned on her heel and walked to the counter.
    â€˜Now listen,’ I said, but nobody was, and nobody did. Whilst we were talking, wads of cash were being stuffed into canvas bags and then passed over the counter in my direction. When I didn’t immediately go and pick them up, Kathleen herself went over and began picking them up and handing them to me. A few people from the queue even handed over the contents of their wallets, though I noticed that Miss Clever-Knickers Thrill-Killer Fantasist kept hers to herself.
    I dropped the bags back onto the floor.
    â€˜Look, you don’t understand,’ I whinged at Kathleen, ‘Let me explain—’
    â€˜Oh, I do understand, sir,’ she said, ‘I understand entirely. Things can be very difficult these days, sir, and there