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one gin and tonic and I was glad that he had.
    I glanced at the clock.
    Fifty-three minutes now.
    Oh, and they were having fun in customs, they were really cranking it up.
    We’d had Mike and the Mechanics, ‘The Living Years’.
    And then the customs officers were all nudging and grinning behind those two-way mirrors because they’d unearthed an ancient New Seekers song, and, lucky me, it’s the one Mum played over and over when Dad left—’I Wanna Go Back’.
    And I was really trying to smile and chat to Nicole, but I wanted to go back too.
    ‘I Wanna Go Back’. I couldn’t help it, I was starting to cry.
    ‘It’ll be sodding “Leaving on a Jet Plane” next!’ Dan grinned and put his arm around me.
    ‘I’m going to go through,’ Nic said, because she could see I was upset and, as she doesn’t smoke, she was quite happy to be on the other side trying out perfume in the duty free. I could tell Roz was relieved because she wanted to get outside for a fag.
    And suddenly we were there at the silver doors and it’s the place I hate most on this earth.
    One of my self-help books said that the universe repeats our life lessons till we’ve learnt them, or something like that. Well, I’d learnt it, thanks. I hated goodbyes. I hated this very spot, but over and over I found myself there. I hated saying goodbye to Mum, kissing her and knowing when I saw her again she’d be two years older.
    If I ever saw her again.
    ‘It’s six weeks, Alice.’ Nicole hugged me and tried toreassure me, and I hugged her back and didn’t want to let her go.
    It wasn’t six weeks.
    She was going through those doors and again everything was changing.
    She was changing.
    She wasn’t coming back, or if she did come back it would just be to leave, and in my heart of hearts I knew that.
    ‘Be nice to Hugh,’ she warned. ‘You will remember to pick him up? I’m sorry Mum didn’t send a photo. You can just hold up a sign.’
    I wouldn’t need a sign.
    Ginger with glasses and a cousin of Nicole’s.
    Oh, I wouldn’t need a sign.
    She cuddled Roz.
    Roz, all practical and stoic, reminded me of my mum the day Bonny had left for Australia. Overweight and trying to smile.
    Lisa was right, it had unsettled me.
    I didn’t want to remember that day.
    But I was standing there doing just that: Bonny and Lex leaving for Australia. Mum spilling out of her shoes and skirt, trying to smile and failing, because Bonny was her baby, Bonny was her favourite and she had to let her go.
    Nic had one of those hand luggage bags on wheels and she headed to the door, jaunty and shiny and ready . We waved her off and thank God Dan’s arms were around me as I did the right thing and forced a smile and made myself wave.
    But I kept remembering.
    Dad there with Lucy, his new girlfriend, dainty and pregnant.
    Bonny bawled her eyes out and Lex hugged me, just briefly, even though I knew he didn’t want to, but it would have looked odd if he’d missed me out. I could feel the contempt and disgust as he reluctantly embraced me.
    ‘Take care, Alice.’ That was all he said. Lex still wasn’t able to look me in the eye and I couldn’t look at him either.
    I didn’t want to think about it.
    I couldn’t think about it.
    So I blew my nose and I wished Dan would come back to the flat, but he had a new car and was taking it to visit his family. I couldn’t stand his father, so I was more than happy that he hadn’t asked me along.
    ‘I’ll come back with you,’ Roz said, because she’s nice like that.
    She sort of mothered me a bit, I guess.
    ‘You should have used your credit card,’ Roz said, as I rummaged in my bag for money for the car-park machine. ‘It’s so much easier.’
    I could see my hands shaking as I put in the coins and dropped one. I felt the impatience in the line behind me.
    I couldn’t think about it.
    Except I couldn’t stop thinking about.
    And worse, I knew that lately, sometimes, Lex was thinking about it too.
    One mistake, one