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leopard eyes and we’ll have a seven-foot-tall bassist with safety pins in his face and we won’t even have lyrics. We’ll just shout a lot and play with daggers in our teeth like legit daggers with legit blades and we’ll cut our tongues and our mouths will fill with blood and we’ll scare the shit out of people and change the face of music in like a NEW old way. I definitely want to get a tattoo too. Maybe like a shark on my back. Sharks are cool because they never sleep and they’re so invincible with mystery.
    Regarding my future all I know is that I’m not going back to Cincinnati. I’m not going back to that house with the fake front lawn and the three ceramic does huddling near the mailbox and Mom’s Japanese serenity garden in the backyard with its bamboo walls and blue Indonesian stones. I know that garden helps her but it makes me sad and tense when I think about her always sneaking around back there just to get away from the Major so she can just sit in peace or like put her hand on a tree because that’s the best she gets.
    Remember that time when the Major punished her because she hadn’t been going to Bally Fitness? How he told her she had sausage thighs? How he pointed to her legs and was like “Sausages Deb. They’re turning into godforsaken sausages” and then how Mom got really still and started staring off and how she wouldn’t blink even after you said “Mom blink. Please blink!” and how the Major told her he was putting her on the clock how he pulled out his digital stopwatch and told her if she didn’t stop pouting in three hundred seconds he was going to go spend the night at the Officer’s Club and how she stopped not blinking in exactly ninety-seven seconds and how we all knew it was exactly ninety-seven because the Major was counting them out in his command voice and how later that night we heard her crying in her Japanese serenity garden? How she waited till the Major went for his nightly drive in the Olds? And how you went out there and talked to her and sat next to her on the bamboo bench and took her hand and how she put her head on your shoulder and kept crying? What I always wanted to know was what you said to her P. Sometimes I think she wishes she married you instead of the Major even though I know that’s both scientifically and religiously impossible. Plus you’re gay. You would have been better to her that’s for sure.
    I thought it sucked how she started going to Bally Fitness the next morning and wound up losing seventeen pounds in less than two weeks. I mean I was glad that she got back into shape or became more fit or whatever but part of me wished she would’ve gotten fatter just to spite that fucker. Like what if she started eating mad doughnuts every morning and maybe some waffles with ice cream and gained fifty pounds just to piss him off? Remember how he was posting her weight on the refrigerator? That’s some psycho control freak army-type shit P.
    Before I got sent to Buckner I found a thing of Wellbutrin in Mom’s underwear drawer. I Googled Wellbutrin on Edward’s laptop and it said it’s a depression pill. It seems like everyone’s on drugs now like every American alive. There were so many guys at Buckner who had ADD like me and others who had depression and this one kid even had a problem where he would mutilate his ear till it bled. The meds line at the infirmary was almost as long as the Friday allowance line. It has to make you wonder about how long you can go without getting some kind of a prescription P. Sometimes I worry that I’ll prick my finger and antifreeze will ooze out. Antifreeze or like Clorox or something. I have to admit that I stopped taking my Ritalin back in November because I only had a few extras from the Buckner infirmary. At first going off it made me feel really hyper and scattered but after a few weeks I think I got back to normal whatever normal is. I still feel like putting my head through a window every once in a