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at the restaurant if you have the party of six or more. That’s just called a tax or a tariff. If you look up “gratuity,” the definition is “a gift or reward, usually of money, for services rendered, given without claim or obligation.” I understand why they think this is necessary, but this isn’t the way tipping works. Sometimes you’re going to get stiffed, other times Phil Spector is going to come in, order a Shirley Temple, and leave you five hundred bucks. Kimmel tips around 50 percent, my parents are coming in at 9 percent. So it evens out. But why is a tip included in room service? I’m alone in my underpants. That’s just one person, not six. And what if you did have six people in your hotel room for a couple of overpriced, underwhelming burgers? Would you waive the tip altogether just to confuse me? Please, let’s get our tip shit together.
    And when did we sign off on the supercute novelty “Do Not Disturb” signs? It used to just be DO NOT DISTURB on one side and PLEASE MAKE UP ROOM on the other. Now you see all kinds of silliness. Here are just a few 100 percent real examples— I NEED A MOMENT . MAKE THAT 30 MOMENTS ; TRANQUILLITY PLEASE ; BRAINSTORM : IT ’ S REALLY COMING DOWN IN HERE . BETTER COME BACK WHEN IT CLEARS UP ; IN THE ZONE . ONE KNOCK COULD BRING ME OUT OF IT ; and BUILDING AWESOME PILLOW FORTS . The only thing I’m doing in my hotel room is napping, shitting, or beating off. That’s what they should say: DO NOT DISTURB — NAPPING , SHITTING , or BEATING OFF on one side and PLEASE MAKE UP ROOM — I ’ M DONE NAPPING , SHITTING , AND BEATING OFF on the other. Also, I know the cleaning crew only speaks Spanish and so do hotel owners, so the cuter you get with the verbiage, the more likely they are to misunderstand the sign and interrupt me during one of those three sacred activities. That said, I’m also doing away with the Spanish version that reads NO MOLESTE . If I’m going to molest someone, or something, in my hotel room, that is my business.
    And while we’re on the topic of being disturbed, let’s do away with the wake-up call, please. These do way more harm than good. There is nothing louder than the phone in a hotel room. You want to be woken up, but you don’t want to evacuate your bowels and suffer tinnitus when it startles you from your slumber. And far too often the call doesn’t come at the right time. I’ve had this happen. I was staying in New York last year and my seven A . M . wake-up call scared me awake promptly at six thirty. You should get a free week’s stay at the hotel if that happens. That is an assault. I’d rather have someone kick down my door and rape me awake on time than get called a half hour early.
    The only problem with this plan is that fucking alarm clocks in hotels are never positioned the right way. I’m not sleeping on the floor facing the clock, I’m on the bed staring at the fake wood veneer on the side of the clock. This is not helping the anxiety I have about missing my flight if I don’t wake up at six A . M . The same anxiety is keeping me awake, and therefore making the alarm clock necessary.
    So you attempt to turn it so you can see it from the bed. But nothing hates turning more than that clock. It’s like straightening out an old person. I’m straining harder than Gene Hackman trying to turn that valve in The Poseidon Adventure . And sometimes you can get the clock to turn but the cord isn’t going along with it. It’s hanging on to the back of the nightstand like a villager clinging to a tree in a tsunami. Customer Service 101: in a hotel room, all clocks should be visible from the pillow.
    Now let’s talk about hotel bathrooms.
    I miss the “sanitized for you protection” ribbon on the toilet seat. I’m bringing that back. It made taking a shit feel like a ground-breaking ceremony. I expect to