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sometimes. It is normal.” Which is when the game ends and Elspeth comes scuttling up the steps to fetch them, by which time I want to wrap Irina up in my sarong and take her home with me, preferably with her sister as well, but since I can’t do any of that, and have no idea why she’s upset, and don’t know either of them from Adam – well, Eve – end of story.’
    *
    But it isn’t the end of the story. Not in Antigua. The story is running beautifully. Perry Makepiece and Gail Perkins are still having the happiest holiday of their lifetimes, just as they had promised themselves back in November. To remind herself of their happiness, Gail plays the uncensored version to herself:
    Ten a.m. approx., tennis over, return to cabin for Perry to shower.
    Make love, beautifully as ever, we can still do that. Perry can never do anything by halves. All his powers of concentration must be focused on one thing at a time.
    Midday or later. Miss breakfast buffet for operational reasons (above), swim in sea, lunch by pool, return to beach because Perry needs to beat me at shuffle-board.
    Four p.m. approx. Return to cabin with Perry victorious – whydoesn’t he let a girl win even once ? – doze, read, more love, doze again, lose sense of time. Polish off Chardonnay from minibar while reclining on balcony in bathrobes.
    Eight p.m. approx. Decide we’re too lazy to dress, order supper in cabin.
    Still on our once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Still in Eden, munching the bloody apple.
    Nine p.m. approx. Supper arrives, wheeled in not by any old room-service waiter but the venerable Ambrose himself who, in addition to the bottle of Californian plonk we have ordered, brings us a frosted bottle of vintage Krug champagne in a silver ice bucket, priced on the wine list at $380 plus tax, which he proceeds to set out for us, together with two frosted glasses, a plate of very yummy-looking canapés, two damask napkins and a prepared speech, which he intones at full volume with his chest out and his hands pressed to his sides like a court copper.
    ‘This very fine bottle of champagne comes to you folk courtesy of the one and only Mr Dima himself . Mr Dima, he says to thank you for’ – plucking a note from his shirt pocket together with a pair of reading spectacles – ‘he says, and I quote: “Professor, I thanks you very heartily for a fine lesson in the great art of fair-play tennis and being an English gentleman. I also thanks you for saving me five thousand dollars of gamble.” Plus his compliments to the highly beautiful Miss Gail, and that’s his message.’
    We drink a couple of glasses of the Krug and agree to finish the rest in bed.
    *
    ‘What’s Kobe beef?’ Perry asks me, sometime during an eventful night.
    ‘Ever rubbed a girl’s tummy?’ I ask him.
    ‘Wouldn’t dream of it,’ Perry says, doing just that.
    ‘Virgin cows,’ I tell him. ‘Reared on sake and best beer. Kobe cattle have their tummies massaged every night till they’re ready for thechop. Plus they’re prime intellectual property,’ I add, which is also true, but I’m not sure he’s listening any more. ‘Our Chambers fought a lawsuit for them and won hooves down.’
    Falling asleep, I have a prophetic dream that I am in Russia, and bad things are happening to small children in wartime black and white.

3
    Gail’s sky is darkening, and so also is the basement room. With the dying of the light, the wan ceiling lamp seems to burn more glumly over the table, and the brick walls have turned to black. Above them in the street the rumble of traffic has become sporadic. So have the shadowed feet trotting past the frosted half-moon windows. Big, genial Ollie with his one earring but without his beret has bustled in with four cups of tea and a plate of digestive biscuits and disappeared.
    Although this is the same Ollie who picked them up from Gail’s flat in a black cab earlier this evening, it is by now acknowledged that he is not a real cab driver,