Read One Man Show for Free Online Page B

-”
    “What’s going on in here?”
    That voice sounded familiar. It was either God or the principal.
    “Dustin is stuck in the stall, Mr. Futterman. Uh, he can’t get out.”
    “I smell cigarette smoke. You boys weren’t smoking in here,were you?” Futterman’s deep voice ricocheted off the tile walls. He was a gigantic man with a Frankenstein-shaped head - just
     like in the graffiti - and was bald as a bowling ball.
    “No, sir,” Wally replied, “we never smoke in here. Or anywhere. We don’t smoke. Someone must’ve been smoking, ‘cause I can
     smell it too, but it wasn’t us, I swear!”
    Wally can’t stop blabbering when he’s nervous, and it makes him look guilty even if he’s not. But who could blame him? Futterman
     could make a snowman sweat.
    “I can’t get out, Mr. Futterman,” I said. “The lock is stuck.”
    “Did you try jiggling it?”
    If anybody had walked in right then and heard that question, I would’ve croaked.
    “I tried everything, sir.”
    The stall door rattled a few times, and then there was a final
thump.
    “I’ll get a janitor,” Mr. Futterman said. “Don’t move!”
    “Don’t move”? How did
he
get to be principal, anyway?
    “Walrus? Wally? Wallace, are you still there?” No answer. I sat down, peeled back the cellophane from my bubblegum cigar,
     and tried to suck out any nutrients. I needed energy to think.
    The lunch bell rang. Time flies when you’re having fun. I could hear chattering and locker-slamming echoing through the halls.
     It wasn’t long before voices filled the bathroom. I hugged my legs to my chest to hide my telltale feet.
    Knock, knock, knock!
    “Dustball, we know you’re in there!”
    “Hey, Dustin, did ya fall in?”
    “What’s the matter? Can’t you
act
your way out?”
    Wally must’ve blurted out to the whole class that I was stuck in the bathroom stall! My brain was frozen, and I couldn’t think
     of a single snappy comeback That wasn’t like me.
    “Dustin, hon, are you all right?” It was Miss Honeywell. “The gentleman from Maintenance is here to rescue you.”
    Kill me now.
    The janitor slipped a little can of something under the stall and told me to spray it onto the lock. It smelled like gasoline,
     and it took only a few squirts for the bolt to slide right out. I hesitated. The only way to escape total humiliation would
     be to go straight for the laugh. I crossed my eyes, wiggled my cigar, and kicked the door open, shouting, “April Fools’!”
    I couldn’t believe it. My whole class was crammed into the boys’ john, with Futterman and Miss Honeywell standing front and
     center. And right next to them, laughing and clapping with the rest of my class, was a kid I saw every day on posters, T-shirts,
     and the TV screen: the star of
Double Take,
my favorite sitcom of all time -
the
Jeremy Jason Wilder!

Chapter 7
The Castle of the Crooked Crowns
    Many sunrises ago, in the Land of Galico,
    On a warm and dewy, bright September morn,
    There arose unbounded bliss, unimagined happiness,
    For the daintiest of princesses was born.
    In that very castle too, in a room without a view,
    Came a heartfelt but uncelebrated joy,
    With a caterwauling wail, looking freckle-faced and frail,
    Sprang the Jester’s brand-new bouncing baby boy.
    Cynthia Zimmerman - the Minstrel - finished her opening song in front of the curtain. I was behind the proscenium, smashed
     up against Leonard Shempski, the techie, who smelled like old cheese and pencils. One thought kept running through my head:
I’m freakin’ out! I’m freakin’ out!
Not only had I just met Jeremy Jason Wilder face to face, and not only was he going to be in my class - but he was actually
     sitting out there in the audience, watching
me
try to do what
he
did best.
    If this is all some weird dream, now would be the perfect time to wake up.
    I gave myself a pinch. Okay, not a dream. Leonard hit play on the tape recorder for the first two sound effects: Loud Slap
     and