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breath and spoke. “Claire… “
    “Don’t.” She held up a firm hand to the room at large, as if she were holding back an army of invisible foes. “Just don’t. Jennifer doesn’t know her. I don’t even know where she lives now. This is over. Completely over. End of discussion.”
    “I know where she lives,” I whispered.
    So many painful expressions passed over my mother’s face in mere seconds. “What do you mean?” her voice dragged with dread.
    Too cowardly to tell her the worst of the truth, I edited. “I found her address on the internet. She still lives in Smithport.”
    Relief flared briefly in Mother’s eyes. “And what makes you think you can just go to Smithport and see her? We don’t know anything about her. You don’t know if she wants to see you. You have no idea what you’re asking me, Jennifer,” her voice turned pleading at the end.
    After my next words, I knew that everything would collapse. Violently. Horribly. I felt like a little girl about to run into a burning building. “I called her last week. We talked.” I closed my eyes and then looked down so I wouldn’t have to see Mother’s eyes gleaming with betrayal. “And she misses you, Mother!” I leaned forward and dared an appealing look at her face. She didn’t look like she recognized me. “She was so happy to hear from me. She’s a teacher and she’s out for the summer and she wants to meet. You could come. We could go together. Maybe you could…” my words slowed and then lingered to a stop when she stood abruptly, refusing to look at me. She narrowly missed hitting the corner of the table as she stumbled from the room.
    “Then go,” she whispered bitterly as she left.
    A deadly chill seized my blood and for an appalling moment I wondered if she had disowned me. Then comprehension flickered. It was nothing that dramatic. She had pushed me away resentfully. But lying in my lap like a tortured, abandoned child was her unwilling, wretched permission . I’m certain she didn’t expect me to claim such a sick and damaged thing. I see now that her words were her attempt to make me put down my petition and stay. But it didn’t work. I felt myself lifting her battered, weeping consent and cradling it to myself.
    My father looked from the untouched mountains of food on our plates to my face. He too, looked like he didn’t know me.

CHAPTER 6
     
    I bought the ticket.
    After my Mother’s first wave of shock receded she fired every weapon at her disposal: guilt, rage, cunning, love, and finally, fear. The guilt stabbed deepest, but the fear seared like the pain after a burn. It throbbed through my brain with little relief. You have no idea what kind of person she is , she’d say as I ate breakfast. She doesn’t care about family, Jennifer. She wasn’t there for any of us. Driving to school. Buying shoes. What if it is a bad situation? What if you want to come home and you’re stuck there until your return flight? Did you ever stop to think I had a reason for keeping you away from that cursed place? Waiting in line at Walmart. Cleaning the bathroom sink. I was never safe from her unexpected assaults. She dropped her acidic fears into my mind at regular intervals, leaving them to eat through my resolve.
    She waited for me to relent. She waited in vain. When I timidly mentioned that Sarah had invited me to come whenever I wanted, for as long as I wanted, Mother rounded on my father, “You need to go with her. Do not leave them alone! So help me if anything happens to her… You need to know days, times, flights, phone numbers, who she is with, where she goes…” She ticked off the list almost violently on her fingers.
    My father cleared his throat. “I can’t, Claire. The Sunfire job is behind schedule as is, and losing money already. I’ll be working nights and weekends this month. I can’t go anywhere.” His job as a film editor in Omaha often made him fight tough deadlines. “But I think she should still go,”