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came to visit me a few times. She had gotten really into church, and she was all about praying over me. I let her do it the first time because it felt wrong not to let someone pray for you, but I didn't after that because I don't think that was real praying. She said “Dear God” and all that, but it was all about how nasty I was. When she came back the next few times, after I told her no praying, she stood there at the screen door to my trailer and argued with me, telling me how I upset my family and how shameful my carrying on was. This was the same song and dance as Pastor, but Kayla had a way of making the barbs go deep in a way he couldn't manage. Usually after she left, I had to get really drunk or very high.
    The thing is, she really thought she was helping me. If she were a mean bitch, I could've ignored her. If she'd laughed and called me names, I could've said “fuck you” and forgotten her. But it messed me up something awful to have someone look at me with what looked a lot like love and tell me how wrong I am, then heap on guilt about how I'm hurting everybody to boot over something I can't change. It makes me feel like there's a Monroe Davis who is good somewhere, and I am the demon in his way. Like I have to die so he can live.
    Anyway, the day I got a letter from Kayla was not a good day. It had been forwarded about four times, which made me think she had called through to several ranches before she lost me, then just let the post office do the rest of the work when she ran out of leads after that. I opened it, worried, thinking something bad had happened at home, and I read it with my heart in my throat, waiting to see who had died. But that wasn't what the letter was about.
    Dear Roe,
    I don't know when this letter will find you or even where. But you need to hear what I have to say. Other people in the family might not have the strength to tell you what we're all thinking, but I have prayed over this, and I know this is what I need to do.
    I know you have told me you can't change who you are, but you know this is a lie, Roe. You're going against your family, and you're going against God. You're so selfish. You don't think for two seconds about what the rest of us have had to bear because of you. You think this is all about you, but it isn't. This is about your soul and your God and your family name.
    If you truly give up the demons in your heart, you can give up this horrible sin and get right with God. We are all here in the Light waiting for you. I know you are off in the darkness, that you don't know what Light is anymore. I want you to call me, Roe, and I want you to come home. I will help you and hold your hand all the way to your Salvation. I swear I will not abandon you. This is love I have for you. I will not give up on you. I will pray every day for you until you come home. I know I will not fail, because God is with me.
    That is the kind of strength I can give you, Roe. You think about that when you are alone and friendless in the dark, and then you pick up your phone and you call me.
    Love always in Christ,
    Kayla
    I stared at the letter for a long time after I read it, and then I read it again to make sure I hadn't been reading it wrong. It takes me a long time to read, so by the time all this had happened, my lunch break was over, and I had to slap peanut butter on a piece of bread and run out the door with it, except I hardly ate any of it. I tried not to think about the letter, tried to lose myself in work, but it haunted me so bad that eventually even Tory noticed something. He told me I looked like I needed a break and sent me off early to take a nap. But I couldn't sleep. I just paced the room like a caged animal until they were all gone home for the day, and then I went outside and started walking.
    I didn't know where the hell I was headed. I think I was set to walk all the way to the arctic circle. I don't know. I was full of hurt and rage and confusion. Jesus, but her letter messed