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capable of doing much better. At least twice as well, she promises. Still, they did capture the “Courage to Show Up” Cup, which is displayed in the trophy case in the main hall. Two more of those and we will have more of them than any other high school in the state.
    The school board has made a few rule changes, so listen up. All tattoos must be tasteful and PG-13. No swear words without a parent or guardian’s permission, especially on the fingers. There will be a limit of three piercings per face, excluding the ears. That is, you could have one eyebrow, one lip and one nose pierced, or two eyebrows and one nose, but you can’t have two eyebrows, a nose, and a lip. Is that understood?
    It sounds harsh, but these rules are for your own protection. We had several painful and ugly accidents last year and no one wants a repeat of that. I think that sight of Billy Chambers stuck to the tennis court fence will haunt me for the rest of my life. They say his nose reattachment went well, but he still hasn’t returned to class.
    As you all know, thongs must be worn inside your clothes. What you do at home is your own business, but here at school we have standards. There will be no online shopping allowed this year during school hours. Those laptops are for studying, people, not shopping. And don’t bother to try. We’ve worked out a deal with FedEx—they will no longer deliver packages to this school except to teachers and administrators. Is that clear?
    Between the Post-Christmas Holidays and the Pre-Midwinter Rest we’ve added a teacher’s conference. So there are only ten school days between December 15th and April 5th and we will have to cram in a lot of work.
    Sit down, Mr. Wilson. The mid-morning snack bell hasn’t rung yet. The Starbucks will still be in the cafeteria when the bell rings. Which reminds me: those of you who have signed up for “Cell Phone Plan Management,” would you please raise your hands? That’s not many. I know it’s the toughest course we offer, but you really should think about taking it. It will stretch your minds and save you money. There’s the bell. Remember, you’ve only got an hour snack this year, so try not to be late for your next class.

Why Isn’t this Man Running the World?
    T here is a man who knows how to solve all the problems in the Middle East quickly and easily. He knows exactly what we should do in Iraq. He has the solution to global climate change, the high price of gas, the immigration turmoil, affirmative action, stem cell research, gangs, and the drug problem.
    He can speak extemporaneously for hours on tax fairness, campaign finance reform, universal health care, voter fraud, education reform, farm subsidies, and foreign aid.
    Nothing is too big or too small to escape his notice. In the past half hour he has touched on Indian casinos, the crisis in Darfur, Al Gore, Rosie O’Donnell, globalization, spice rubs, and the iPhone.
    And where is this man? Teaching at one of the great universities? Writing position papers for some prestigious think tank? In the executive suite of a multi-national corporation? Out on the campaign trail running for office?
    No, he’s right at the table next to us at the Big Pig restaurant. What luck! Not only is he an expert on world and national affairs, he is extremely principled and highly moral. He has nothing but contempt for athletes who take steroids or athletes who don’t win one hundred percent of the time. They are miserable, despicable failures who lack character. They are bad role models who corrupt our youth by sending out the wrong message about hard work and dedication.
    Worse, they screw up his betting system. Which is why, through absolutely no fault of his own, he’s three years behind on his child support, because of all those lazy, good-for-nothing, overpaid athletes.
    The overpaid athletes rank right up there with the overpaid Hollywood celebrities who change partners faster than you can change channels on your TV.