Read Not Until You: Part VII for Free Online Page B

couldn’t look at him. It was all too much. Having him here, hearing his voice, the sharp edge of sadness in his words.
    “All I can tell you is that I never intended to lock you down or take away your independence. Your strength and stubbornness are part of what draws me to you. Even with the whole anklet thing, it was never a desire to keep tabs on you or intrude on your privacy. I just . . . I was falling in love with you, and it inspired every ounce of my protective streak.”
    My eyes snapped open, my heart jumping right into my throat and the word
love
getting tangled in my synapses.
    “I couldn’t bear the thought of something bad happening to you, of losing you.” He cradled my face in his palms, every line in his expression etched with regret. “And I lost you anyway. Because I’m an idiot. I chased you away before we even got a real chance.”
    Moisture tracked along my cheeks. I said his name again, unable to put my thoughts in the right order.
    “Are you happy, Cela?” he asked again, his own voice knotted with emotion now. “That’s all I need to know.”
    I leaned forward, letting my forehead press to his. Everything felt so heavy all of a sudden—the move, my job, leaving Foster, dating again, trying to figure out what the hell I wanted out of my life. I wanted to curl in a ball and be back in my dorm freshman year when everything was simple and laid out and obvious. All possibility. No reality. “I don’t know what I am anymore. I’m lost.”
    “Oh, angel,” he said softly. “I know what you mean.”
    I pulled back and rested against my seat, the nearness of him too much to take for my wrung-out system. All I wanted to do was crawl into his lap and let him tell me everything was going to be okay. And that was exactly what always freaked me out with Foster. I didn’t want to be weak and need someone else like that. “I’m scared of how I feel when I’m with you.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “Did I ever tell you that my mom used to be a painter?”
    He shook his head, leaning back in his own seat, giving me space.
    “She was. She had a lot of talent and even got a scholarship to a school in New York. But she was already dating my dad, and he had a full ride to UT in Austin. She couldn’t get into the university because, though she was a brilliant artist, she sucked at things like math and science and didn’t have high enough scores. So she just gave it up for him, got a receptionist job in Austin and dedicated her life to being his wife. And they love each other, I know that. But she isn’t her own person anymore. He makes the decisions. She follows them. I know it tore her to pieces when he kicked my sister out, and she didn’t stand up to him. She didn’t stand up for her own daughter. I love her with all my heart, but I
cannot
become her.”
    Foster’s mouth curved downward. “Baby, I hear what you’re saying, but you have to realize that you are so far from being at risk of that happening, it’s not even funny. You are tough and independent and hardheaded.”
    “But when I’m with you, all I want to do is give in,” I fired back. “I fall to my knees willingly, I step past lines I never would’ve considered walking over, and I have this thing, this desire to please you, that scares the living shit out of me. I haven’t gone a day without thinking about you, Foster. And tonight, even after I
told
Mike not to walk me out, I found myself annoyed that he didn’t. I missed your crazy overprotectiveness. How messed up is that?”
    A ghost of a smile touched his lips. “Did you just say you missed my crazy?”
    I stared at him for a long second and then laughed some weird, tear-clogged laugh. I put my hands over my face. “Goddammit. I
do
miss it. What the hell is wrong with me?”
    “Cela,” he said, tugging one of my hands away from my face. “There’s nothing wrong with you. All of that stuff doesn’t mean you want to turn into some robot wife. You have a