Read No Such Thing as Perfect for Free Online Page B

of the pictures I put up. It was taken over the summer and we’re both smiling in it. It was at a baseball game and although I’m not much of a fan, Derek had a great time and that night, he told me he saw his future and it was all me. I pick up the picture and try to smooth down the crease from where he bent it and pulled the tape from the wall.
    “Lily, you wouldn’t be happy. I wouldn’t be happy,” he says.
    “Why? Don’t you want to spend more time with me? All you’ve said since you got here is how much you missed being with me.”
    “Yeah, but that’s physical. You know that. You know how much I love to hold you. But if we were together all the time, wouldn’t you get bored?”
    The photo’s crease goes through my neck. I look like a monster.
    “I don’t think so. I don’t get bored with you,” I tell him.
    “Because it’s always been like this. Me away at school and you at home. Now you’re away at school, too, so it just means when I come to visit we have privacy. But nothing else is different. This works, Lily.”
    “We were happy this summer, though. I saw you almost every day and we were happy.”
    “I guess, but you weren’t being clingy. Don’t start being clingy. Besides, at school, things are a certain way. I have my friends and you’d feel out of place. We never really ran in the same circles, you know,” he says.
    “Are you ashamed of me?” I ask.
    For the last ten months, I never visited him on campus once. It always made sense, though, because Jon felt like it would be uncomfortable for me to share the room with him and Derek and although he hasn’t said much, I know he’s still not sure how he feels about his best friend sleeping with his little sister. Now, though, I wonder if Derek is part of that, too.
    He leans forward, pushing me backwards onto the bed, kissing me and holding me close to him. “Do I look ashamed, Lily?”
    I don’t have a chance to reply. He moves fast and I don’t want to fight and he loves me. Obviously he loves me. So even though he doesn’t answer my question directly, I let him keep kissing me and I believe what he says with his body because the words never come.
    ****
    W hen Derek leaves, I don’t know what to do with myself, so I go to the Club Fair. It’s been happening all weekend, but my boyfriend took precedence over the Knitting Club. However, now that he’s gone, Kristen and I are trying to be active or something. I look over at the frats and sororities for a moment; my mother would be delighted to be able to tell everyone about her darling sorority girl, but they’re all just so... excited. I’m not excited. I’m cold and Derek was weird when he left, dodging questions about when he would call and he still never said whether he was ashamed of me and everyone here is happy and I’m not because there is something wrong with me. It hovers and swirls like an endless cyclone of doubt and chaos and I’m being swept away, which makes me angry. So angry that I turn around and join the Environmental Club before I can change my mind. That will show them . I don’t know who them is and I don’t think saving the planet is really a message that anyone should be upset about sending, but even my anger is pathetic.
    I’m on an activity kick, though, so I just go down the line, signing up for things. Somewhere here is where I belong; somewhere is a place where I can feel less empty. I stop when I come to the drama troupe. I can still picture the auditions. I can even see the flickers of dust that darted across the burning lights. I feel the stage under my shoes, hard and hollow and echoing the fear with each step, but also unyielding and unforgiving enough to make me want to walk forward. I remember the silence while I spoke. People listened . For the only moment in my life, they truly listened, but then, it was over. When the cast list went up, I had gotten a part. I was to play Miss Prism, but it wasn’t a lead. I’d said no on the form