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stood and rolled her eyes theatrically. She stretched her hands towards us, beads and bracelets clinking as they jostled for space on her podgy forearms, and began to trace patterns in the air a few inches from our heads.
    â€˜You poor darlings,’ she moaned. ‘You’ve clearly had a spirit-shattering experience. Your auras have more lumps than Frank’s custard.’
    Usually I love it when she hits that precise blend of esoteric and prosaic, but now was not the time.
    â€˜Sit down, Gaia,’ I said in a voice that brooked no argument.
    She settled on the floor with much rustling of voluminous clothes and tinkling of jewellery and busied herself mixing essential oils in a little dish over a nightlight. I put the £500 in the middle of the floor. I might have my price, but it doesn’t buy my principles.
    Ali sloped in wordlessly, followed by Frank, Nick and Robin in a huddle. They each shook Stan’s hand self-consciously and introduced themselves, then grunted at me before dropping to the floor. Mags as usual was the only one who rose to the occasion. She squatted down in front of me and peered into my eyes.
    â€˜You OK, honey?’ she queried and then with great solemnity she handed me The Spliff.
    Stan she ignored completely, so didn’t notice his eyes light up as he handed me his Zippo and edged a little closer. Didn’t take him long to get into the Nirvana vibe.
    It was no surprise to learn that they had gleaned little in the way of detail from Ali, so I thought it best to fill them in myself before we moved on to interrogating Stan. I was confident that at last I would have an audience who would be suitably impressed by my prowess. But I only got as far as the bit where I chucked the axe at Baldy when the no-interruption rule went out of the window on the wings of a chorus of ‘Jesus,’ ‘Fucking hell,’ ‘You did what? ’
    I looked round at the circle of shocked faces.
    â€˜What? What?’
    Frank spoke first. ‘Um. Don’t you think that’s a bit heavy, Jen?’
    â€˜Heavy?’ I barked. ‘Of course it was fucking heavy. What are you on about?’
    Gaia tried to soothe me. ‘I think, Jenny, that what we are all feeling here is that you may just have been overreacting a smidgen. Mars is moving into–’
    â€˜Fuck Mars!’ I yelled. ‘You weren’t there. Stan was screaming. I had to think fast.’
    â€˜But an axe, Jen. You could have killed someone. It was more luck than judgement that you missed,’ Robin insisted.
    â€˜I didn’t want to miss. Stan was yelling for help. There was all this noise…’ I pleaded.
    â€˜Jenny,’ Nick said, emphasising each word, ‘I hope Stan here will excuse me, but he does have certain tendencies that might mean a scream of agony does not necessarily indicate a lack of pleasure…’
    I looked at Stan. He gave a minute shrug and looked at the others with a sheepish grin.
    â€˜You mean…’ I stopped, appalled. ‘Stan. Did you know those guys? Please. Tell me that isn’t true. They had guns, for Christ’s sake.’
    â€˜Did they?’ he yelled. ‘I didn’t know that. And for the record, people, I definitely draw the erotic line at being mutilated and abducted. Those guys were real psychos.’
    â€˜Well,’ said Mags after a pause, ‘I’d say they had stiff competition in the psychosis stakes. Nuff respect, Jen.’
    That was better. For a moment there they had me worried.
    I carried on with my story without further interruptions. When I reached the end I looked around, expecting at least admiration if not adulation, and then promptly fell into the paranoia pit again when no one would meet my eyes.
    Only Ali was staring at me knowingly. Only who knows what Ali knows?
    Mags broke the silence.
    â€˜Well all I can say, Jen, is that if ever I’m in serious trouble I’d certainly feel