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next to me for him to sit down, even though my hands shook a little at having him so close.
     
    Just like earlier that day, the warmth from him hit me sending goose bumps across my skin. I tried to settle myself and play cool, but Tobin had come, in the middle of the night, to see me .
     
    “ I brought you a beer, but you might not be a—”
     
    I popped the top and downed nearly half the bottle, hoping to swallow some of my dancing nerves.
     
    “— beer drinking girl.” He chuckled as he popped the top off of his.
     
    We sat in silence, the dark heat of the air pressing down on us, our legs dangling off the dock. I took a few more swallows. The beer tasted less horrible than I expected. Maybe that was just because of the company.
     
    “ Wanna swim?” he asked.
     
    “ What?” I set my bottle down.
     
    “ Swim, Delia.” He smirked. “People do it in the water.”
     
    “ My parents might sleep like the dead, but I’m not sure about Becky’s.” I jerked my head back toward her house. Mostly I’d started to realize that I’d have to strip down there, or before I went back through Becky’s window. I knew I should strip before getting wet, but no guy had ever seen me in less than a swimsuit before.
     
    “ I can jump into the water without squealing like a girl if you can.” The look in his face was pure challenge. Always.
     
    It took every ounce of courage I had in me to strip off my shirt and shorts. I was thankful I’d thought to wear a matching bra and panties and jumped in without a word.
     
    Holding my breath to keep the water, my squeals, and my nerves at bay.
     
    Tobin stood on the edge of the dock with his mouth hanging open before frantically pulling off his shorts and t-shirt, nearly falling over before half-tripping and half-jumping off the dock.
     
    ***
     

     
    A bump in the road pulls me from my daydream. I’m half-living in the warmth of that memory, and half-mad because Tobin should have been there for me when I needed him. He knew how destroyed I was, there was just a lot we never saw coming. I was hurt then when he pulled away from me at the worst possible time, and in some ways, as I think about what we could have had, I’m more hurt now—I’m just better at pretending than I ever thought I’d need to be. Distance in geography doesn’t bother me, but distance in relationships? That was the deal-breaker. My body stiffens as I remember more than just what it does to me to be close to him. Because he’s not the only one with a reason to be mad here.
     
    Tobin’s impossible to read. He should still be angry, but maybe the death of his brother has just covered up everything else. The more I think about how we left things, the angrier I become.
     
    “ Why did you say yes when I asked you to go with me?” Tobin asks.
     
    “ I don’t know.” At least that’s honest. He shouldn’t have asked me to go anywhere with him, and I shouldn’t have come. Why would either of us want to be around the other? Frustration starts to roll around inside me.
     
    When Tobin and I finally split, he had his brother around. I had no one.
     
    “ I mean, are you dating…” He pinches his nose between his thumb and first finger. Then clinches his jaw tight. Maybe now’s when his anger will come out. “You were with…”
     
    “ Weston, yes,” I snap. What’s with me? “I love Weston,” I say, lifting my chin defiantly, I don’t even know where this is coming from. The words feel heavy and dry coming out of my mouth, like I may choke on them. I don’t know how to explain what Weston and I have to anyone, or even to myself.
     
    For me, right now, it’s enough to like hanging out with him, and selfishly, to know that he is physically there for me. Because one thing I learned from Tobin is that sometimes the people you love most let you down simply by not being there. Anxiety over the move I could handle, it was everything else that killed me. Us