Read My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict's Attempt to Discover if Not Being a Dumb Ass Is the New Black, or a Culture-Up Manifesto for Free Online Page A

spotlit at the front of the stage, and they’re filled with a variety of items, like inflated latex hands and sparkly shoes and Kewpie doll heads. They take on a sinister quality grouped together like that. Honestly? The set kind of reminds me of my grandmother’s attic. She lived in a creepy old house, and because she lived through the Depression, she tended to keep everything she got her hands on, and I mean everything . As soon as I took my first psych class in college, I diagnosed her with a hoarding disorder, but my mother said I was being ridiculous. Yes, because it’s perfectly normal to keep three broken fridges in the kitchen for thirty years. My bad.
    The accumulated junk in my grandparents’ house wasn’t what made the attic so eerie, though—it was the perfectly preserved, neatly wallpapered bedroom up there in the middle of all the chaos of forgotten possessions. I once asked my noni if she ever kept hostages up there, but she told me I was being fresh. 37
    Anyway, I feel like these are odd surroundings in which to showcase flamenco dancing, but what do I know? The lights in the theater go down, the audience politely applauds, and then the show starts. The bookcases slowly part and a pretty woman slides onto the stage on a rolly chair with a rolly desk, and we watch her smoke an entire cigarette. 38 She doesn’t dance; she just smokes.
    Then other people in vintage outfits crawl onto the stage, except for one lady who’s toting an IV pole. When IV Lady squeezes her bag of saline, it laughs.
    No one dances.
    The sound track is some French song that gets louder and faster and includes the sound of puppies yelping. I lean into Stacey and whisper, “Boy, if Loki were here, he’d be having a fit!”
    As the music gets louder, the smoking lady begins to twirl in her rolly chair and her rolly desk. Someone gets slapped, but no one dances.
    A man enters stage right in a tutu, which is promising for dancing, and a scrunched-up baby mask, which is not. Someone slaps him, and then there’s a whole bunch of shouting in Spanish. Everyone in the audience laughs, except for those of us who thought it would be très amusante to take French in high school.
    A woman then comes out with her head in a grandfather clock and sways back and forth.
    The swaying is the closest we’ve come so far to dancing.
    I’m beginning to suspect I’m not going to see any flamenco tonight.
    More puppies yelp while two shirtless guys fly onstage with some woman in a ball gown. She gets thrown back and forth between them. Then a different girl in a Mad Men -looking dress enters stage left. She begins to shout in Spanish, and I lean into Stacey, saying, “Seriously, if I wanted to hear people yell in Spanish, I could have just stayed in my living room and opened the windows.”
    After she finishes shouting, the whole audience laughs except for me. Apparently she said something hilarious, but I have no idea what. Stacey’s Spanish is a bit less rudimentary than mine, and she says she thinks the woman was reading a recipe.
    Yes. Because that makes perfect sense.
    A different woman comes out in a ball gown and a gas mask and drops rubber babies out of her dress as she slowly walks by. The tutu baby man then picks up the babies and slaps them.
    There’s still no dancing.
    A giant Velcro mattress is wheeled out and placed in a vertical position in the center of the stage. A lady in Velcro pajamas throws herself at it for a while. Every time she hits it, her hair fans out, and it looks like she’s been electrocuted. This is my favorite part so far.
    Tutu Baby Man revisits the stage and shouts more 39 while a couple of guys in pajama bottoms at the front of the stage yank another woman’s shirt down and begin to slap all her naked bits.
    Have I mentioned the no-dancing part yet?
    And why was I not warned there would be nudity?
    In my peripheral vision, I see Stacey stifling her laugher because she knows I’m so prudish that I actually spell