Read My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding for Free Online Page B

out of the kitchen. “I need to run some errands, but I’ll be back in an hour.”
    “Just don’t go near any diabolical swimming pools, boss lady!” Anika shouts to me as I leave.
    When I get to my car and open the door I stare forlornly at the wet driver’s seat. I’d placed a towel over it yesterday. I’d also thrown my soaked workout clothes away. They were getting too big, as I’ve lost some weight, and I didn’t want reminding of my near drowning.
    Sitting myself down into the sodden car chair, I drive off and head to the Retail Park. I’m going to need some new workout clothes. When I arrive at the clothing store the first thing I notice is that everything’s been swapped around.
    Bollocks!
    This really does nothing to improve my mood of late. Well, I suppose a cheery attitude wouldn’t be expected of me after nearly dying from drowning.
    I stomp around the shop looking for the leisure wear. Actually, I stomp angrily around the store three times, getting more agitated by the minute. But there’s nothing for it. They’ve simply run out of sportswear at this bloody shop!
    “Are you all right, love?”
    I must be looking quite red in the face with anger because a store attendant has just approached me.
    “Where have all your workout clothes gone?” I ask the woman.
    “We don’t stock them anymore.” She says with a flick of her bleached blonde hair. “You can check on the store website though, and there are a few leisure items left on sale over there.”
    Turning quickly, I stomp over to where the woman indicated. thinking this really takes the piss. Why can’t anything go right for me lately? I’ve got a wedding coming up! I don’t need all this extra crap that keeps happening.
    Flicking angrily through the racks of hardly any selection of clothes, I grab a few items I think might fit and make my way stompily as ever into the ladies fitting room. Yanking the curtain shut in front of my changing cubicle, I start trying on leisure wear.
    First is a pair of velour jog pants. In my life I’ve always vowed never to wear velvet anything, but needs must as there’s hardly a selection available at this stupid place.
    Shoving my legs into the trousers one at a time I pull them up at the waist and it comes to the bottom of my boobs.
    This won’t do!
    I could scream as I turn and look in the mirror because I must have grabbed an extra long pair of jog pants by mistake. The waist is hiked up much too high, so I shove it down.
    “Oh great.” I grit my teeth because now there’s tons of fabric hanging down at the crotch. Also, the legs of the trousers are pooling around my ankles. “Bollocks to this.”
    Ripping off the sale items from my personage, I get redressed into my ill-fitting jeans and t-shirt. I walk —no, I stomp— out of the dressing room and out of the entire store. I guess I’m going to have to shop online because I simply can’t find anything that fits. As I plop myself into my damp car I’m at least hopeful that I’ll get my next errand of the day completed successfully. That assumption goes right out the window when I walk into the health food shop.
    There’s an Oliver robot here too!
    “Seriously?” I bellow. Does everyone in this bloody town now own one of these contraptions.
    “Oh hello, Emily. Here for the usual today?”
    Heading towards me down one of two aisle in this small shop is Paige. Her husband works at CoTechnic with Callum and we’ve had them round for dinner. Lovely people. It’s only a bit weird how they kind of live off the grid. I don’t know how Paige and her husband Jonty have managed it, but they have land that they’ve built an organic house onto, which they just keep building onto all higildy-pigildy like. I know this because Callum and I have been round to theirs for dinner parties as well and let’s just say I prefer our place that isn’t situated in the deepest darkest recesses of the English midlands.
    As Paige nears she pushes a glob of her