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challenging section in the place, I always started my shopping trips in the produce department. All the exotic fruits and vegetables—many I could not identify if my life depended on it—would greet me with quite a message:
    FRUITS AND VEGGIES : Oh, tsk, tsk. You mustn't look at us. We are only to be purchased by the skinny and the healthy such as…her ( points to perfectly built woman in a short tennis skirt just grabbing a healthy cart full of produce after a morning match). See her cart, so full of colorful fiber? She obviously has the superior intellect and good taste it requires to both handle and prepare us befittingly. She would not leave us abandoned in a drawer rotting away to our death. Oh, please! Move along to the bakery!
    Pretending to ignore the jeering, I would quickly grab my baggie full of apples, a bunch of bananas, and an onion (the only produce that would be seen with me) before making my escape to the bakery where all my friends were. Nothing to hide from there.
    COOKIES AND CAKES : ( With embarrassingly loud volume ) Girrrrl! Get your fine self on over. We just popped out of the oven. Don't we smell good? Uh-huh. Take a bite. Take another. You come on back around before you leave, now. Ya hear?
    Though my trip through the bakery would provide temporary relief, more perils were waiting around every corner. Land mines of confusion and degradation were scattered here and there, mostly via the voices of the products. (Do groceries talk to you?) Well, I would hear things like, “Buy me! I'm fat free,” or “No, buy me. I'm not fat free.” There were products that wanted to jump into my cart and others that turned their faces away at the sight of me.
    And of course there were the other shoppers to deal with. Their mouths weren't moving, but boy were they screaming at me.
    SKINNY MOM WITH THREE KIDS IN CART : Why, yes, I can eat all of this junk food ( pointing to her array of sugary treats and snack items). I have simply been blessed with a high metabolism. It's the best. ( Throws head back and lets out an evil, eat-your-heart-out chuckle. )
    SKINNY MOM WITH ONE KID IN CART : I only buy organics for my family. And I never eat partially hydrogenated oil. Oh, my gosh! Look at all those by-products in your cart. ( Points at my cart with look of horror and hides child's eyes. ) And you wonder why you can't keep weight off?
BATTLEFIELD: CHECKOUT LANE
    Okay, okay. So that was bad enough, but the worst was always last. My bruised ego and I would eventually make it through the aisles of the store, but waiting in the checkout lane would be the GGGs: Grocery Glamour Girls.
    I know you've met them before. They are the women who look so kind from a distance—so well dressed and happy, resting comfortably on the cover of every magazine. They wait until you are adequately trapped in the checkout lane (someone in front of you and someone behind who ain't movin’ for nothin’), and then they hoist out their assault rifles (with silencer, of course).
    GGG #1 : I just had twins a month ago, and my abs are already smooth and tight. See? Look at them. I said, “Look at them!” How long has it been since you had your babies? Oh, that's right…a couple of years. And your abs? ( Sarcastic clap. )
    GGG #2 : Don't you think your husband would be soooo excited if you looked like me in the bedroom? ( Gently caresses her curves. ) You know that's right. ( Snap, snap, snap. )
    GGG #3 : Get a clue, lady. I don't understand why you can't take off weight. Everybody knows that a steady diet of water and oxygen is all it takes. You only truly need food every forty days.
    The products on the shelves may not talk to you, but I know I'm not alone when it comes to dealing with the GGGs. These gals don't take prisoners. Several studies have been conducted that show a direct relationship between women's (as well as young girls’) body dissatisfaction and magazine reading. And what do you think