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she look at me. “What’s going on? Did you find Wolfie?”
    “Yes.” She blinks.
    “And?”
    “Oh god.” Her palms cover her face. “He was beating off while Professor Turner brushed his hair.”
    Okay, even more confusing. What?
    “I thought Wolfie shaved his head?” I say, trying to make sense of her words.
    “No. I mean, yeah he does. Oh god. He shaves his whole fucking body and I just got a good look at every bit of it. All of his hairless skin.”
    “So, then how was Professor Turner brushing his hair?” I pause. “Wait. Your old professor was with him?”
    “Yes.” She shakes her head, her long, blonde hair falling out in front of her face. “The whole thing is seared into my brain like a fucking nightmare.”
    Wolfgang.
    Her old professor.
    Hair.
    Masturbating.
    I think I need to focus on the variables I can comprehend. Like her friend—we are in his house after all.
    “But Wolfgang’s okay?” I ask, trying to understand.
    “Sure,” she quips. “He’s just jacking off to the good ol’ Professor, brushing his head of lemon hair, but other than that, he’s dandy.”
    “And what about you?”
    “Not-so-dandy. Actually, I may be borderline traumatized. The verdict is still out on that one. Hell, I like when you do it, but seeing that...yeah, I may have reached my visual limit.”
    I chuckle.
    “It’s not funny,” she snaps at me. “I’m seriously distraught here.”
    I should be pissed about what she’s telling me, describing another man doing the self-pleasure thing, but I’m not. I don’t know a man alive that hasn’t been caught with his dick in his hand at some point in time or another. Besides, he was doing it in the privacy of his own home, albeit a little close to when he’s expecting company, but to each their own.
    “I hate to say it,” I tell her, “but it kind of serves you right for breaking into someone’s house and snooping around.”
    She glares at me. “This is not just punishment. I’m going to be scarred for life from this. I may never want to look at or see a penis ever again.”
    “Sounds like I might have my work cut out for me.”
    Just then, there’s a loud and booming knock at the front door.
    “Should we answer that?” I ask.
    “Might as well,” she responds. “I think Wolfie is otherwise occupied.”
    The knock sounds again and I step down the hall with Evelyn on my heels.
    “Coming!” Wolfgang calls from the second floor and Evelyn and I stop in our tracks.
    There’s a rustle of footsteps above, followed by the sound of clomping feet barreling down the steps. Wolfgang, in all his bald glory and fully dressed, opens the front door revealing Chandra, Evelyn’s closest friend and old roommate, and her boyfriend, Jeremy. They greet each other quickly as they enter the house, exchanging hugs. The new guests quickly spot Evelyn and me.
    “Hey, EJ!” Chandra says to Evelyn, calling her by the name she often goes by. I’m the only one who calls her by her full name. She’s my Evelyn. “Merry Christmas.”
    Evelyn clears her throat. “Hi, Chandra. Hi, Jeremy. Merry Christmas.”
    “EJ,” Wolfgang says, brows raised. “I didn’t know you guys were here.”
    “We just got here,” I say for my fiancée, rescuing her from any awkwardness. “There was no answer, so we let ourselves in. I hope that’s alright.”
    “Not a problem at all,” he says, unfazed.
    Evelyn is stiff at my side, truly a little ruffled from the events she previously witnessed, as we all continue to say hello and wish each other happy holidays. Only moments pass before the next guests arrive, my close friends, Graham and his very pregnant wife, Lilliana.
    As we’re about to make our way back into the kitchen, Wolfgang excuses himself and heads to the second floor. He quickly comes back down with another person following close behind him. When they reach the bottom of the staircase, we all go quiet.
    “Hey guys,” Wolfgang announces with Evelyn’s old professor next