Read Mennonite in a Little Black Dress (Memoir) (2010) for Free Online Page B

itchy region.
    "Staci," I said now, returning her hug, "what a gorgeous new look for you!"
    "Can I just ask what you do about bread?" Staci asked, as if continuing a conversation we had started moments earlier. We hadn't spoken in five years. "Because I've gained back six pounds in the last two weeks. Bread is so my downfall."
    The last time I had seen her, we had all been playing a Password-type game in which I was trying to get Staci to guess the word Dracula . Deploying the hushed intensity of a game-show contestant, I offered what I thought was a reasonable clue:
    "Bram Stoker's-"
    "Lean Cuisine!" she shouted.
    Through my head flashed the sassy headline VAMPIRE COUNTS CARBS! Truly, Bram Stoker's Lean Cuisine was a splendid marketing idea. New taste sensation from Bram Stoker! All of the protein, none of the fat! Maybe we could expand the line with a lo-cal Mummy Wrap.
    Now Staci went on, "Also potatoes. I just can't do potatoes. They go straight to my"-she patted her heinie significantly. "How do you do it? Do you cook for yourself now that Nick has left you? Is it hard to cook just for one? Or do you eat out of a can in front of the kitchen sink?"
    In the dining room we all gathered to pay homage to Deena's imaginative decor, where no surface had escaped yuletide festivity. Its attractions included a wreath made of prodigious shiny balls, and a preponderance of more free-rolling balls the size of grape tomatoes that Deena had scattered, carelessly, among the plates and goblets. She had also affixed a tiny silver ball to the stem of every wineglass-not that we would be drinking wine. Mennonites tend toward militant sobriety. But there was always sparkling apple juice for holiday celebrations.
    "Wine?" asked Staci, reaching behind her to the sideboard. Bless her, she had brought some in gentle defiance of Mennonite tradition. Alas, it was a sweet rosé, served ice-cold, like beer. Ah well. I nodded, pushing my goblet toward her as she said, "I don't think there's anything wrong with drinking the occasional glass of wine now and then, as long as you don't get drunk. 'Be ye not drunk with wine'"-she quoted the Bible, throwing this challenge at my father. His expression at the head of the table did not change. He looked like a peaceful Buddha. "If Christ drank wine, that's good enough for me!" she added defiantly.
    "Me too," I said.
    "A toast," said my brother Aaron, "to family celebrations!"
    My siblings and I raised our rosé; my parents saluted with sparkling apple cider.
    "Because," Staci continued unfazed, "the real test of wisdom comes when you can show non-Christians that you're responsible . It's more impressive to non-Christians if they see us partaking responsibly than if they see us just condemning alcohol willy-nilly. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping a pack of Heineken in the fridge. Sometimes Caleb comes home from a long day at work and he has two beers." Her expression dared someone, anyone, to protest.
    Caleb apologized, "It takes the edge off."
    "Why not?" asked Staci fiercely. "I mean, why not ? You're not hurting anyone. And it certainly isn't as if you're drinking and driving!"
    Alas, my father was still not in the mood to bite. He was in the mood to eat soup. So Staci returned to her former line of questioning. If she couldn't rouse my father to defend the Mennonite position on teetotaling, she would revert to asking me intensely personal questions during Christmas Eve dinner.
    I knew it was just a matter of time before Staci would bring up the subject of HIV testing, since my husband had left me for a man named Bob. At some point she would want to follow the AIDS thread. I believe that she would have preferred to inquire after my genital health there on the spot, in front of my brothers. Given her willingness to discuss genitals, I suspect that the only reason she did not broach this subject during Christmas Eve dinner was that my parents were present.
    Therefore Staci moved on to another