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an airplane. Or speak in front of an audience. Or sometimes for reasons I can’t explain.
    The kids are about to take a horseback-riding class in the mountains. They’ve taken the class before so there is no logical reason for me to be terrified about it. But I am. It’s the night before and I’m in a panic over it.
    Crappy Husband asks me what I’m so worried about.

    So I tell him:

    I expect him to try to tell me things that will attempt to fix the problem. To talk about reality and probability and stuff like that.
    Instead, he pauses for a moment and then simply says:

    THE DREAM
    One morning I wake up from a horrible dream. I dreamt that Crappy Husband met a woman with a bun in her hair on a train. They talked about Mozart. He instantly fell in love with her and they moved to Spain.
    I tell him the dream and we laugh about it. However, the weird part is that I’m angry with him. The real-life him. I can’t shake the feeling, but I know it is ridiculous. So I try to hide it.
    At one point, he catches me scowling at him.

    So I admit that I’m still caught up in the feelings of the dream.

    He reads my mind. You see, I’ve had my share of strangely prophetic dreams. But it can be hard to know when one is or isn’t.

    And I did. Eventually. (It has been twelve years since I had this dream. I still feel annoyed when I think about it. Or when I listen to Mozart.)
    CRAPPY DOG’S MOODS
    We have a little dog that we rescued last year. He is part pug and part something else and he has unfortunately (for him) decided to attach himself to me.
    I have no idea how he came to the conclusion that taking his cues from me would be a good idea. Crappy Husband would have been a much better choice.
    Crappy Dog is a mirror of my moods. When I’m feeling tired and lethargic, he is my loyal couch potato. When I’m feeling happy and energetic, he runs around the house and slides into walls.
    Unfortunately, this means he gets PMS. All month he is happy and content.
    Until:

    When he has PMS he growls at the cats if they get too close to him. He tires easily and craves baked goods. He doesn’t want to go on walks, he just wants to lie on the couch with a blanket and watch British comedies on Netflix.
    If Crappy Husband ever wants to know how I’m feeling, he just has to look at Crappy Dog and act accordingly.

    I’ve found that chocolate also helps him a great deal when I eat it. Because really, chocolate helps everyone.
    PERFECT
    When I was writing this book, I often asked Crappy Husband for ideas to keep a balance of our perspectives. Of course it isn’t balanced since I wrote it, but at least the thought was there.

    And this is why he is perfect.

ISBN-13: 9781460346808
    Marriage: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures
    Copyright © 2015 by Amber Dusick
    All rights reserved. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical,now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.
    Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Dusick, Amber.
Marriage : illustrated with crappy pictures / Amber Dusick.
pages cm
ISBN 978-0-373-89307-2 (hardback)
1. Marriage--Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.M3D87 2014
818’.602--dc23
2014011071
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