when I look out our sliding glass doors to see the ocean, my breathing steadies. I just stare out there watching the waves roughly crashing onto the shore and Ryan let’s me, giving me the space I need.
After I had walked out of Ryan’s office that day, we managed to stay clear of each other for three days … three long, sad and lonely days. Ryan kept communication with me strictly professional. I didn’t like it, not one bit. I didn’t know it was possible for me to crave the touch of a person. Not kissing Ryan for three days left me cold and I spent my free time daydreaming of our kisses.
Then one evening I worked late and when I got to my car I found a bouquet of flowers with a card. Quickly, I opened the card and it was a short note from Ryan.
My heartbeat drummed harder, louder by the second. My hands started to tremble and I watched the card shake in them. A fierce need to hear Ryan’s voice covered me from head to toe. The way he called me ‘Mik’ and ‘love’ all in the same sentence had began to push all the reds and blues down deep, so deep I was beginning to forget that part of my past.
“Can you tell me now?” Ryan licks his lips and then sucks them in between his teeth holding them there until I start to answer.
“I want to. I want to tell you everything. But …” The hazel in his eyes begins to take over the white as I begin to feel pressure from his hands tightening around my thighs. They skim up my thighs to the line of my panties, holding me in place. Running is the last thing I want to do right now though, but I can see the fear in his eyes. “Will you come with me to a session?”
“Mik, love, I’d do anything for you. Tell me you know that.” I scoot up on him bringing us closer and then kiss him, hard, long and with as much expression of love as I can. Moments later my cotton nightgown goes up and over my head, Ryan’s worn jeans come down and our bodies unite with me on top, where I’m most comfortable.
RYAN’S NOSE NUZZLES INTO MY hairline around my neck and the wetness of his tongue slides along my sensitive skin, waking me easily. This is what I’m used to. This lets me know we’re okay. My hands itch to feel his skin and when I find his thigh behind me, the heat from him warms my hand instantly.
“Morning, love,” Ryan whispers.
“Ry?” I reply just as quietly.
“Mmm hmm?” he asks, in between licking and kissing my neck.
“I love you.”
“And I you.” Another lick and kiss. “So much.” At that he gives me a peck on my cheek and swats my behind lightly. Then the heat his body provided me vanishes. Soon I hear the shower water running and I let myself succumb to sleep again.
As I re-wake, I know within a second that I had the same horrific nightmare again. Sweat layers my body from head to toe and my chest feels weighted down, letting me know that my past made its way into my sleep. Memories of being restrained remind me of just how much that night keeps me prisoner. Years and miles only start to lessen the effects on me. Even Ryan cannot take it all away. As much as I’d like to believe it’s almost over, or that my life changes have removed me from the pain, it’s just not true.
Waking up this way happens more often than not. It’s not a pleasant way to start my day, but then I remember earlier. Ryan kissing me or saying goodbye is what gets me going after one of my nightmares. The other day when I thought he had just left without letting me know crushed me. This is the reason I’ve become reliant on his assurances before he leaves for work. After the terror of the nightmare, I need the memory of Ryan to help me get up and stay in the present.
After I shower and get ready, I sit looking at my emails. Of course I re-read Dad’s email about the wedding. Now Mya has finally replied after my reply with a simple ‘No’. A deep huff of a laugh bubbles up because this is so Mya. Smiling at the response, I know she’ll come around, or at