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understand?”
    “
I
don’t know what I’d prefer.” Philip’s face twisted, and everything below his nose seemed to collapse like a punctured paper bag. “Nobody asked me for my opinion about anything.” He snatched off his glasses and passed a hand over his eyes. “No, they just go ahead and do whatever they feel like.” He emitted a shaky sigh.
    “Do you think she should have asked your permission before she killed herself?”
    Philip aimed an index finger at him. “There, that’s a great question, I mean it. A
great
fucking question.”
    Tim swallowed cold ginger ale and forced himself to remain silent.
    “Yes,” Philip said. “I do think so. I would have said,
You selfish bitch, you can’t kill yourself. You have a husband and a son. Are you crazy
?
”
    “It was selfish—a selfish act.”
    “All suicides are selfish.” He considered that proposition. “Unless the person is in tremendous pain, or dying, or whatever.”
    “Was she feeling depressed lately?”
    “What are you, a shrink? I don’t know. Nancy usually seemed a little depressed, if you ask me.” He shot Tim a wary look. “Are you asking if I
noticed
that she seemed depressed lately?”
    “I’m not accusing you of anything, Philip.”
    “Keep it that way. I’m not to blame for what happened. Nancy and I got along all right. Why she did it is a mystery to me. Maybe she had some kind of secret existence. Maybe I didn’t know what was going on in her life. If she didn’t tell me, how the hell could I?”
    “How is Mark handling all this?”
    Philip shook his head. “The kid keeps his feelings all wrapped up inside. He’s been hit hard, though. Keeps to himself, except for when he’s with Jimbo, the knucklehead you saw today. We’ll see how he gets through tonight and tomorrow and the next couple of weeks. If he looks like he needs it, I’ll get him some counseling or therapy, or whatever.”
    Tim said that sounded like a good idea.
    “Sure it does, to you. You live in New York, where everybody sees a shrink. For you people, a shrink is a status symbol. Out here in the real world, it’s different. Plenty of people see it as an admission that something is wrong with you.”
    “You wouldn’t have to tell anybody. Neither would Mark.”
    “Word gets out,” Philip said. “Vice principal’s wife commits suicide, his son starts seeing a headshrinker. How do you suppose that plays out? What kind of effect do you think it would have on my career? On top of that, those appointments don’t come cheap. Excuse me, elder brother, but I’m a humble educator in the public school system, not a millionaire.”
    “Philip, if Mark could benefit from therapy, and you’d have trouble paying for it, I’d be happy to take care of it.”
    “Things aren’t quite that dire,” Philip said. “But thanks for the offer.”
    “Do you really think your job is going to be affected by what Nancy did?”
    “One way or another, yeah. Subtly, in most ways. But what do you think my odds are of moving into a principal’s office anytime soon? I was on track before this. Now, who knows? It could hold me back for years. But you want to know the worst part of this whole deal?”
    “Sure,” Tim said.
    “Whenever anybody looks at me, they’re going to say to themselves,
There’s Underhill. His wife killed herself.
And two-thirds, three-fourths of them are going to think I had something to do with it. She did it because of me, they’ll think. Goddamn it, I never thought I’d hate her, but I’m getting there. Fuck her.
Fuck
her.”
    Tim decided to say nothing and let him roll on.
    Philip glared at him. “I have a role in this community. I have a certain
position
. Maybe you don’t know what that means. Maybe you don’t care. But it is of very, very great importance to me. And when I think that stupid woman did her best, out of no reason at all but her own private unhappiness, to tear down everything I’ve worked for all my life—yes, I’m