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ten-fifteen? We always go out for recess at ten-fifteen! I’m going out at ten-fifteen!
     
    Tough way to go through life. No one would choose to be that way.
    These black-and-white kids tend to interpret the world in some pretty rigid ways, too. These are the kids who are prone to make black-and-white statements such as “I’m stupid,” or “You always blame me,” or “Nobody likes me,” or “You’re mean,” or “It’s not fair,” or “Things will never work out for me,” or “People are out to get me.” These rigid ways of thinking—sometimes called cognitive biases or cognitive distortions—can cause these kids to respond to even the most benign circumstances in powerful (and challenging) ways. Can you imagine interpreting common social stimuli—a friend’s smirk, peers whispering, a slap on the back—as evidence that people were out to get you? That would set the stage for some pretty maladaptive responses.
    The Andrews of the world often present significant challenges to their teachers and classmates as they struggle to apply concrete rulesand interpretations to a world where few such rules apply. Some sulk or become anxious when events don’t conform to their original configuration, or when they’ve interpreted an event in a distorted fashion. Some scream. Some swear. Or throw things. Of course, those are the things they do. All that tells you is where they are on the spectrum of challenging behaviors. Now you know why and when they’re doing them. That’s where the action’s at.
    Can black-and-white thinkers be helped to think more flexibly? To move from an original way of thinking and adapt to circumstances or perspectives they may not have taken into account? Most definitely … so long as adults recognize that it’s hard to teach kids to be more flexible by being inflexible themselves.
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IN FOCUS
Difficulty appreciating how one’s behavior is affecting other people; often surprised by others’ responses to his/her behavior
Difficulty empathizing with others, appreciating another person’s perspective or point of view
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    Many kids with behavioral challenges have difficulty understanding another’s perspective and appreciating how their behavior is affecting others. These are crucial skills, for they help us gauge whether we’ve caused someone pain or pleasure, whether our behavior is being well- or poorly received. Whether a joke was funny. Whether a pat on the back was too hard. Whether a comment was embarrassing or humiliating or hurtful. This information helps us decide whether to repeat the behavior or change course.
    Kids who lack these skills are prone to behave in ways that fail to take the needs of others into account and to repeat behaviors that are causing emotional or physical discomfort. These are not endearing traits, and kids who lack these skills are frequently punished in one way or another. Here’s the hitch: Punishment may not be a terribly effective way to teach kids how to take another’s perspective or to appreciate how their behavior is affecting others. Many adults are incredibly vigilant in ensuring that kids suffer immediate, adult-imposedconsequences for maladaptive behavior, yet helping kids appreciate how their behavior is affecting others is a much more reliable mechanism for ensuring that kids do the right thing without adult assistance.
    Appreciating how our behavior is affecting others, taking others’ needs and concerns into account, and modifying our behavior in response to the feedback we receive are vital developmental skills that many challenging kids have yet to master. Can these skills be taught? Yes, usually. Of course, it does take a while, and we’ll need some new methods.

    So now you know, if you didn’t already, that the skills required for adaptive social, emotional, and behavioral functioning don’t come naturally to all kids. We adults tend to think that all kids are created equal in these capacities, but this simply isn’t