Read Light of Day for Free Online Page B

that.”
    Jack listened to his father’s breathing on the other end of the line. A minute later he said good-bye and waited for Lois.

V
    T he expression on Lois’s face wasn’t pitying or patronizing, just patient. The exact expression Jack wanted to see looking at him across his kitchen table. It allowed him to have his thoughts, to say nothing, and Lois must have known that. She was not a person given to inappropriate gestures.
    â€œI’m so sorry,” she said. “Oh, Jack, I am so terribly sorry.”
    He didn’t answer, only tapped his fingers on the table, and when the sound got on his nerves, he said, “I’m a very selfish man.”
    â€œYou know that isn’t true.”
    Jack shook his head. “I’m sitting here thinking how gratifying it must be for my father to know, even though he’s sick, that he can still help me, that he can still do the things fathers do for their sons, and how close to me he feels when he does them. But when I’m an old man, I won’t have that experience. All I’m thinking is how lonely I’ll be, when it’s Danny I should be thinking of. It was Danny who was alone.”
    â€œHe’s your son and you miss him. That’s not selfish.”
    â€œIt is when he committed suicide,” Jack said bitterly. “It is when I spend entire semesters worrying about other people’s children and never notice that my own son is figuring out the most efficient way to die. I’m beginning to wonder if I wasn’t the only one I was thinking about all along.”
    â€œDon’t do this to yourself,” she said softly.
    â€œI don’t know if he wanted to leave New York. I just assumed—he didn’t know what was right for him, but I did, or I should have. I told myself I did. But maybe I just did what was best for me, because I couldn’t stand to stay there.”
    Lois slowly and meticulously rolled up the sleeves of her pink blouse as though she were about to tackle a tough job. Or maybe she was giving herself time to think. She reached across the table and put her hand on Jack’s. He started to slide it away but she held on to it.
    â€œWhat you’re saying isn’t fair,” Lois told him. “To you or Danny.”
    â€œAnd everything else that happened to him was? Man, I feel all twisted up inside.”
    â€œI know.” Lois squeezed Jack’s fingers, softly. “I know.” This time, he didn’t try to pull away.
    â€œI thought I really understood him. I didn’t have a clue. He must have been showing me and I just couldn’t see it. I should have. I should have been there to save him.”
    â€œYou can feel all the sadness you want, but please, try not—”
    â€œSomething made his life unbearable and I was responsible for changing that. But I didn’t. How could I not be aware of his pain? How could I let him do that to himself?”
    Lois pulled a corner off one of the rolls but all she did was look at it and then let it drop onto her plate. “I will not let you think that you neglected Danny.”
    â€œHe killed himself. It didn’t come out of nowhere.”
    â€œNo one said it did.” When Jack turned away she said, “Listen to me, Jack. You did what you could do.”
    â€œI thought I undid the damage.”
    â€œThere was a lot of damage. But it wasn’t anything you did.”
    â€œThis has nothing to do with Anne,” he shouted at her, and it felt good to shout, even if it was Lois, even if she didn’t deserve it, even if it made her wince while he snatched his hand out from under hers and stood up, rattling the coffee cups and knocking over the cream. Even if it might have had everything to do with Anne, or more than he’d ever admitted. “This has nothing to do with Anne.”
    Lois began mopping up the spill with her napkin. “Oh, Jack, feelwhatever you want and say whatever