know. You think itâs extortion. You think Iâm using you. But, buddy, youâve got to be fighting all the time. All the time, fighting. Because why, David?â
I mocked him mildly: âBecause âOpportunity Could Be Right in Front of You.â â Sign in his bossâs office apparently, oft quoted.
âExactly right. And Iâve got to be sharp these days, believe you me. Mr. Perdhomme is up my ass every second with a hot glowing poker, David. You should see the scars. Iâve got to be on my toes! No, not good enough. I have to be on my goddamned toenails !â
âEspecially in these times,â I said unhappily, since that was going to be the next line.
And those were bad times indeed. Kateâs tuition at Yale was an issue, Iâd come to understand. We hadnât had beef for dinner in weeks. Only a couple of months before, Dad had lost a briefcase with negotiable bonds inside, also his entire collection of illegal gold coins, also his raw diamonds, his vaunted Yangtze River pearls, all his paranoid investments, stuff he could physically touch, keep in sight, keep protected from man and market: gone.
Th at briefcase!
Heâd been bringing it to the office vault for safekeeping, he said, one of his occasional paroxysms of insecurity, and managed to leave it on the train, just another in a long series of self-imposed disasters. All the humor drained from his face as he remembered it now: âMy fucking pearls! How could I be so stupid?â
I didnât want him crying. I said what Iâd said a dozen times before: âIt could have happened to anyone.â
But he did cry, first just a little, his lip quivering, and then he was sobbing. He pulled over on a patch of grass, all there was for a shoulder on the Merritt Parkway, folded himself into the steering wheel, really broken.
âDad?â I said.
âNever be a loser like me, David. Please, please, please. Donât say no to Princeton, David.â
âOh, Pop.â I patted his back. âYouâre no loser.â And because I knew I had to be plain, I added, âAnd as for Princeton, weâll see.â
I was too big for the car (too big for a lot of things, come to think of it), sat there cramped and uncomfortable patting at his back, no further gesture I could make, just waiting him out. It had never been close to this bad, and, painful truth, for the first time he did seem like a loser to me. Finally he spoke, blubbering: âMr. Perdhommeâs got my ass in the fire, son. Heâs a bad oyster. If I come up a suicide, donât believe it!â
âOh, come on, Dad. Mr. Perdhomme? Suicide?â Like my mom, I wasnât one for his histrionics.
He knew it, too, tried to be funny: âUnless itâs by martini. Th en youâll know it was real. Th atâs my weapon of choice, David. If Iâm dead of olives, you know I was depressed.â Th en coldly serious, another big sob: âAnything else, go after that little prick Perdhomme. You hear me? Make that little prick pay!â
âIâll make him pay,â I said gently. Humor thy father. Pat, pat, pat his back.
T H E NEXT DAY I called Coach Keshevsky, told him yes.
My future as a winner secure, at least in Dadâs view, I awaited the start of the Staples High school year, doing good deeds (mucking kennels at the ASPCA, litter at the cemetery, repairs at the Historical Society), my hair long enough for a baby ponytail, of which I was secretly vain. My father had no friends left, but every waiter and gas attendant, every neighbor too slow to avoid him, everyone he met, anyone who would listen, heard the news about Princeton. My mother had a different style. She seeded the story with a certain few friends, and the whole thingâmy early acceptance, the unbelievable scholarship money, probable position on the varsity team as early as sophomore year, no need for a haircutâtraveled in the