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about not wanting him here. I was overwhelmed…and my thoughts went back to four years ago. It was two weeks after we had dinner, and he showed up on my doorstep.
    ***
    NEW ORLEANS
    2012
     
    “Hunter, you little heathen, hold still!” I was chasing my wiggly six month old around the floor, trying to get his pants on him. I changed his diaper in the nursery and made the mistake of putting him on the floor while I got his pants out of the laundry. He wasn’t even walking yet, and he hadn’t been crawling that long, but the little booger was quick. I caught up with him in the hallway, and he squealed as I scooped him up off the floor. I kissed his whole fat little face and squeezed him. He seemed to be the only constant in my life lately…the only thing that kept me sane. I started trying to wrestle his pants on when the doorbell rang. Still smiling at my baby, I went and pulled open the door. The smile was gone as soon as I saw who it was. With a sigh I said, “Leif, what are you doing here?”
    He was standing on my doorstep with a file in his hands. He was wearing his camouflage fatigues and his beret. His face was completely smooth and clean-shaven. He looked about eighteen and vulnerable. He was going back over there to that miserable place where he could die at any given moment. But damn it…that’s not my problem, right? He’s not vulnerable. He’s a liar. I didn’t want anything to soften the anger I felt, but just looking at him and thinking about him being shipped over there to possibly die for people who might not even appreciate it, gave me a little pang in my chest. I wished that I could look at him and seethe with hate. Instead, all of the things he’d said in those letters flashed through my head…and a little part of me actually wanted him to be the real deal. But he wasn’t, and I had to keep telling myself that, especially as I stood there and looked into his haunted green eyes.
    “I’m sorry to just show up. I’ve been trying to call and you just keep hanging up.”
    His eyes left my face and landed on the baby in my arms. Hunter was cooing and reaching out for him. I forced a sarcastic tone, as I said, “A normal person would have gotten the hint.” It had been almost two weeks since that night at the restaurant. He called every day sometimes two and three times. I ignored them all, but when I thought about calling the police and reporting him, something inside of me said that this guy isn’t dangerous, only annoying and a little bit pathetic. 
    “I don’t reckon that I’ve ever been accused of being normal.” His accent sounded thicker than it had before. I wondered if it was because he was nervous.
    I sighed. His eyes looked so sad…and I couldn’t figure out why—for the life of me—I cared.  “What do you want, Leif?”
    “I brought this for you. You might at least be able to get some benefits for the little man.” Hunter was still reaching for him. Leif tried to hand me the file, and my son grabbed one of his fingers. Leif smiled. I refused to care once again. I took the file and a step back so Hunter had to let go of his finger. 
    “Is that it?”
    He nodded. “I’m truly sorry for all of your pain.” Even after all of his lies, I believed he was sorry, but that didn’t excuse his behavior. I didn’t want to feel anything for him that resembled compassion.
    “Leif…”
    “Yes?”
    “Don’t come back here—and I’m blocking your number as soon as you walk away from here.”
    He nodded slightly and turned around and walked away. As I closed the door, I had to press my back into it because my legs were shaking. I looked down at the file in my hand. I couldn’t deal with that right now. I sat it down on the table in the entryway and got back to the business of taking care of my son. I hoped the image of those haunted eyes would leave me soon. 
    ******
    It was late before I got Hunter to settle down for bedtime, and I finally had a minute for myself to