the less, nor desired him less for it. From the first, even when I despised him, I found him beautiful. And to those who think a Cassiline, unschooled in the arts of love, no fit match for a trained courtesan, I may say they are wrong. When he surrendered to it-and he did-Joscelin brought to our bed a desire wholly untutored, but as pure and wonder-struck as Elua's first wanderings on mortal soil. That is a treasure no one else has ever given me, nor ever could. What I taught him, he learned as if he were the first to discover it, eager and natural as a new-minted creature.
It was enough, for a time.
No longer.
So it was that I rode home, torn between exhilaration and guilt. Dusk was falling when I reached the house, and by the stable-lad Benoit's downcast gaze, I knew he had been chastised for permitting me to leave alone.
"Benoit," I said, causing him to lift his head with a jerk. " I am mistress of this house."
"Yes, my lady," he mumbled, taking my reins. I couldn't blame him for it; if I hadn't felt the same, I'd not have regarded my escapade as an escape.
Nonetheless, I told him firmly, "You do no wrong in obeying my wishes. I will tell them as much."
He mumbled something else, hurrying toward the stable and leading my horse at a trot. Chin upraised, I swept into the house.
They were all there, waiting. The day-maid sketched me a quick curtsy, and whisked past to make her escape. Remy and Ti-Philippe would not meet my eyes; Fortun gazed at me expressionlessly. In the background, my kitchen-mistress Eugenie waited nervously.
And Joscelin strode forward to grasp my shoulders. "Phèdre!" My name burst from his lips, harsh with anxiety; he shook me a little. "Blessed Elua, where in the seven hells have you been?"
His fingers bit into my flesh and I closed my eyes. "Out."
"Out?" The white lines of rage stood out on his face, so close to mine. His hands clenched hard. "You idiot, one of us should have gone with you! Whatever it was, there is no reason for you to go unescorted, do you understand? Whoever Melisande's allies are, they know damned well who you are!" He punctuated his words with hard shakes. "Never, ever go out unattended, do you promise me? What on earth would possess you-?"
Hard, his hands on my shoulders; my head rocked with the force of his fury as he shook me. Ah, Elua, it was sweet! The violence of it was spark to tinder for me.
Whatever was reflected on my face, Joscelin saw it; his hands fell away. "Blessed ..." he whispered in disgust, turning away from me, his voice trailing off. When he spoke, it was without looking at me. "Don't do it again."
"Joscelin." I waited until he turned. "You knew what I was."
"Yes." His voice was brief. "And you what I was. Where does that leave us, Phèdre?"
I had no answer, so gave none, and presently he went away. Remy released a long-held breath and fingered the dagger at his belt.
"My lady, if he harms you, Cassiline or no ..."
"Let him be." I cut him off. "He is in pain, and it is my doing. Let him be."
"No." It was Fortun who spoke, slow and thoughtful. "It is Cassiel's doing, my lady. And even you can do naught about that."
"Maybe." I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes. "But I chose my course, and it is Joscelin who bears the price of it."
"Stupid to speak of blame when the wills of the immortals are involved." Ti-Philippe, irrepressible as ever, fished a pair of dice from his purse and tossed them high, grinning. "Let the Cassiline stew, my lady; I am told they thrive upon it. Fortun says we have questions to ask, and quarry to pursue!"
"Yes." I dropped my hands and gazed at their open, eager faces, steeling my resolve. "We do. And I must plan my debut."
SIX
In the end, my decision was made for me. There are patterns which emerge in one's life, circling and returning anew, an endless variation of a theme. So musicians say the greatest sonatas are composed; whether or not it is true, I do not know, but of a surety, I have seen it
It was enough, for a time.
No longer.
So it was that I rode home, torn between exhilaration and guilt. Dusk was falling when I reached the house, and by the stable-lad Benoit's downcast gaze, I knew he had been chastised for permitting me to leave alone.
"Benoit," I said, causing him to lift his head with a jerk. " I am mistress of this house."
"Yes, my lady," he mumbled, taking my reins. I couldn't blame him for it; if I hadn't felt the same, I'd not have regarded my escapade as an escape.
Nonetheless, I told him firmly, "You do no wrong in obeying my wishes. I will tell them as much."
He mumbled something else, hurrying toward the stable and leading my horse at a trot. Chin upraised, I swept into the house.
They were all there, waiting. The day-maid sketched me a quick curtsy, and whisked past to make her escape. Remy and Ti-Philippe would not meet my eyes; Fortun gazed at me expressionlessly. In the background, my kitchen-mistress Eugenie waited nervously.
And Joscelin strode forward to grasp my shoulders. "Phèdre!" My name burst from his lips, harsh with anxiety; he shook me a little. "Blessed Elua, where in the seven hells have you been?"
His fingers bit into my flesh and I closed my eyes. "Out."
"Out?" The white lines of rage stood out on his face, so close to mine. His hands clenched hard. "You idiot, one of us should have gone with you! Whatever it was, there is no reason for you to go unescorted, do you understand? Whoever Melisande's allies are, they know damned well who you are!" He punctuated his words with hard shakes. "Never, ever go out unattended, do you promise me? What on earth would possess you-?"
Hard, his hands on my shoulders; my head rocked with the force of his fury as he shook me. Ah, Elua, it was sweet! The violence of it was spark to tinder for me.
Whatever was reflected on my face, Joscelin saw it; his hands fell away. "Blessed ..." he whispered in disgust, turning away from me, his voice trailing off. When he spoke, it was without looking at me. "Don't do it again."
"Joscelin." I waited until he turned. "You knew what I was."
"Yes." His voice was brief. "And you what I was. Where does that leave us, Phèdre?"
I had no answer, so gave none, and presently he went away. Remy released a long-held breath and fingered the dagger at his belt.
"My lady, if he harms you, Cassiline or no ..."
"Let him be." I cut him off. "He is in pain, and it is my doing. Let him be."
"No." It was Fortun who spoke, slow and thoughtful. "It is Cassiel's doing, my lady. And even you can do naught about that."
"Maybe." I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes. "But I chose my course, and it is Joscelin who bears the price of it."
"Stupid to speak of blame when the wills of the immortals are involved." Ti-Philippe, irrepressible as ever, fished a pair of dice from his purse and tossed them high, grinning. "Let the Cassiline stew, my lady; I am told they thrive upon it. Fortun says we have questions to ask, and quarry to pursue!"
"Yes." I dropped my hands and gazed at their open, eager faces, steeling my resolve. "We do. And I must plan my debut."
SIX
In the end, my decision was made for me. There are patterns which emerge in one's life, circling and returning anew, an endless variation of a theme. So musicians say the greatest sonatas are composed; whether or not it is true, I do not know, but of a surety, I have seen it
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