ill and we're still in the hospital. Nurse Fashoda told me that the hospital has already had loads of phone calls, condemning me and the hospital's part in all this. She told me with great relish how there are some people out there who think Callum got off easy by being hanged. They think he should've been boiled in oil and tortured on a rack first. And there are some people who think Callum was a traitor for taking up with me, 'his oppressor'. When did Callum and I become emblems and symbols and all that other rubbish? When did we stop being people, being human? All those people phoning the hospital, full of poison, full of hate – Noughts and Crosses alike. I shouldn't call them people. I should call them coins – people who hold extreme opposite views but who are basically saying the same venomous thing. Noughts and Crosses shouldn't mix. Noughts should go back to where they came from – wherever that is.
I'm not quite sure what I meant to happen with the birth announcements. I guess, I just wanted the notice to be a kick in the teeth for Dad. It hasn't happened that way. Even if Dad does know about you by now, why would he care? He's the one responsible for the death of your father and I mean less than nothing to him now. So why was I stupid enough to think he'd give a damn?
Is all of this happening to you, Callie, because I put that ad in the paper? I can't bear the thought that it might be. Is it because I wanted to use you to stick two fingers up to my dad? It wasn't only that, I swear. I wanted the whole world to know about you and how much Callum loved you and, oh, lots of reasons. It wasn't just to get back at my dad.
Get well, Callie.
Get well and I promise I'll never, ever use you or your birth in that way again.
Just get well.
I couldn't bear to lose both you and Callum. If you die, you'll take me with you. Please, please don't die.
Oh Callum, I wish you were here. I need you so much.
eleven. Jude
On our way to the cinema, we passed a small park with a children's playground. Cara smiled as she watched the kids run around, screaming with laughter. There were brightly painted climbing frames on one side of the playground. One was a huge star shape made up of thick ropes attached to a steel framework, another was a blue and yellow helicopter shape, another was a red rocket shape. There were three swings, a roundabout and a see-saw. Four children were picking sides for an obstacle race around the climbing frames. One was a nought, the other three were Crosses. And they were choosing who would be paired with who for the race. But they couldn't decide.
'I know,' said the nought girl. 'Eenie, meenie, minie, mo. Catch a blanker by the toe. If he squeals, let him go. Eenie, meenie, minie, mo. You're on my side, Michael. Ready, steady, go!'
And the girl and Michael held hands and raced off together, as did the other two. I watched as they all tried to negotiate their way up to the top of the star and back down again, each team still holding hands. And the girl's rhyme kept ringing in my ears. How did she feel saying that rhyme? Did she even know what she was saying? I glanced at Cara. She was looking at the children, a strange expression on her face. She turned to me and gave a tentative smile. I didn't smile back.
'We'd better get going,' Cara told me. 'Or we'll miss the start of the film.'
Cara chose some drippy romance film. I had to fight to keep my eyes open through most of it, then Cara's sniffing and sobbing during the last ten minutes kept me awake. It was bloody awful. This man and woman sighing and yearning and suffering through most of the film before they finally and inevitably got together and they all lived happily ever after. I mean, give me a break! Cara tried to disguise the fact that she was crying but she wasn't doing a very good job. I thought about her seven salons up and down the country, I thought about the money I didn't have but soon could if I got close to her and reluctantly put