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he’s so close his breath touches my face.
    My gut sinks. “Once.” And it was this huge deal and my dad called like fifty million times to make sure we were all okay and behaving ourselves.
    His hand takes mine and his thumb slides gently over my palm. “Try it, please?”
    A wave of nerves pass through my core. I know what he’s after, and I don’t know that I’m ready. I wish I could tell him I’m not ready, and then he wouldn’t try, so we could relax and have fun. But we won’t relax which means neither of us will have any fun. “I’ll try.” But the huge lump now swelling my throat to more than twice its normal size makes me wonder if I even have the guts to try.
    Maybe between now and then I’ll get up the courage to be with him. I’m sure once I get it over with it won’t be such a big deal. But now I’m all nauseated and have no idea how to bring it up to my parents, what I’ll do if it works, or how spending a weekend together will go when I still don’t think I can be with him the way he wants.

~ 5 ~
     
    I’m far enough into the school year that I feel okay skipping, and Mindy never minds some time off. Shawn’s mouth pulls down into a frown when I tell him, so I promise to only be gone an hour or two. His dad freaks out when he’s caught, so it’s just not worth it for him.
    “So, where we going?” Mindy asks, as we pull out of the school parking lot.
    “I don’t care. I’d love a smoothie, after that it just doesn’t matter.” I stretch my arms up and touch the roof of her car. It makes me realize how stiff I am. And then I feel guilty for feeling so free when Shawn’s not around. But I do feel free. I really needed this.
    We stand inside The Smoothie Spot which is filled with moms, babies and expensive-looking strollers this time of day.
    “What’s goin’ on?” she asks.
    Too much to explain. I shrug.
    Her hands go straight to her hips. “Okay, Ronnie? I know something’s going on because this is what you do. You get us together and then you get all quiet because you don’t know how to bring it up.”
    “Fine.” We grab our enormous cups and walk back out to her car. I both love and hate that she knows me this well. But as soon as I sit down, I mostly love it because words just start pouring out. “Shawn’s frustrated because we don’t see each other much…”
    Her eyes roll.
    And I get her eye roll because Shawn and I are together every minute we can be. “I don’t know why I’m still afraid to have sex. I mean, it’s like I know him, I love him, I want to be with him, it’s just this never-ending pressure and I’m not sure how to deal with it, or if I should deal with it, or if something’s just fundamentally wrong with me…I just wish he’d back off for a while…that it could my idea. That he’d be okay with snuggling on the couch again so we could just be together.” We both slump in Peter Rabbit’s seats. She flicks on the radio.
    Mindy opens her mouth to talk, but my mouth opens and I just start confessing again.
    “A few days ago he asked me to say that I’m taking off for a weekend with you so he and I can spend some time together, only I don’t feel like it’s about spending time. I feel like it’s about getting what he wants, and my parents said it was totally okay, but I…” I’m breathing hard and don’t even mean to be. I stop just before talking about his parents fighting. He actually came to my house the other night because his dad was in a bad mood. I have no idea what that must be like. Shawn won’t talk about it, whether it’s normal, or how long it’s been going on. I wonder if it’s something he’s always covered up; it’s just getting harder, like the anger in his house is wearing on him. There’s no way for me to understand that kind of stress. My parents have always gotten along.
    “Ronnie?” Her brows go up. “I’ll happily be your cover, but please don’t do something just because he wants you to, okay? We