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good dad. A father. A real father. Not the shit I was. Any moke can shoot jack into a woman make a kid. But a father. A father to my girls. To my two girls. To be there for them. What I done to them, right? To be there for my daughters. To take responsibility. To take responsibility for something, man. I had absconded. I wasn’t there for fuck all. For nobody.
    I can’t get into that, man.
    Stay away from me, Flowers.
    Don’t touch me.
    Nobody can see me.
    Nobody can touch me.
    Because of her.
    Because of you.
    Because of you, Flowers.

I ’m sober.
    Right now I’m sober.
    The telephone is on my desk. It is one of those phones with hands-free mute, call-forwarding, Meridian mail, conference call. I look at the keypad.
    I still remember the number by heart. The only thing that’s different, they changed the area code. 718. Used to be 212. I know because I already tried to dial it. About twenty-eight times.
    I look at the keypad. The numbers turn into a ballet in front of my eyes. Or eye.
    Did I tell you I only got one eye?
    One window on the world.
    I’m blind in the other. Born that way.
    I tap the number out. 555-8316.
    I don’t know why, it’s just there in my brain, it’s just not a number I’ll ever forget. Not even after seventeen-odd years. Probably be with me in there till the day I die. Me lying on my deathbed, Kim’s mother’s number buzzing in my head. Go figure.
    Hello.
    I don’t say anything at first. I can’t. My tongue or mouth or whatever ain’t working.
    Hello?
    …Birdie?
    Hello? Who’s this?
    Birds … it’s me. It’s Joey.
    She hang up. I call back. Birds.
    Silence. Silence from her end now.
    Birds? You there?
    What do you want? Scathing. Ungiving.
    I just got out, Birds.
    I heard.
    Birds … I just… I just wanted to say …
    There’s nothing you can say. I don’t want to talk to you.
    I know you don’t. I know. I just… I just… I just wanted you to know. You know, I loved her, Birds. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I never meant to… hurt her… or kill her or nothing like that. I don’t even remember. I don’t even remember. I know that’s no excuse. I…
    I could hear her breathing. I could feel her wanting to hang up again, yet she didn’t. There may have been some kind of softening. She just continued to breathe into the phone, waiting.
    The truth be known, we liked each other. Even loved each other once. We had been close. Real close. She was always having Kim and me and the girls over for dinner. She always wanted to make what I liked. Pot roast and mashed potatoes and green peas was my favorite. Plenty of white bread with butter. Iced tea. I could always make her laugh. We sat around the kitchen table there in Brooklyn, laughing and laughing.
    I always helped with the dishes afterward. Plenty of Sunday afternoons, sitting in the kitchen, laughing, watching Birds and Kim baking apple pies. The girls playing on the floor. All of us cracking up, giggling. Those were the good times.
    What do you want, Joey?
    I was looking for the girls. I just got out of prison and I wanted to see them. I don’t want to get back in their lives or nothing. I don’t want to cause them no pain. Nothing like that. I thought I could just look at them. I don’t want to cause them no pain. I don’t want to come between you guys.
    You can’t come between us, Joey. The girls have their own lives now. If they want to see you, I can’t stop them. They have minds of their own, but they love me. I’m their nana and they come up with me, I brought them up, and I held them, and I reassured them when they were feeling bad, and they’re young women now, so I guess if you give me your number I’ll tell them you called, and if they want to call you and speak with you, they can. That’s all I can do. I won’t do no more.
    Okay, Birds. I understand. Thanks. Thanks. I appreciate that.

Y ou go on a journey in your head and you have to have confidence where you go and it is the hardest damn thing in the