for that. She revealed my ‘treat’ in front of James and off I set to Hampshire, in my naivety all excited about mud wraps and hot tubs, only to discover I was signed up for dawn runs, assault courses and a sadistic trainer who barked orders at me. I’d lasted thirty minutes before sprinting down the drive, scaling the wall and begging Ollie to come and rescue me.
Looking on the bright side, that was probably the most exercise I’d had in ages, so it wasn’t a total waste…
‘That was rather out of order, Chubs,’ sighs James, taking off his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘It cost Ma a fortune.’
‘It just wasn’t really my thing,’ I try to explain but am drowned out as Cordelia wails even more loudly about my lack of gratitude before burying her face in James’s shoulder and blubbing all over his Paul Smith shirt. James pats her back soothingly and shoots me a black look over the top of her head.
Great. In the dog house again. Just give me a bone and call me Rover.
‘I’m trying to work on the Amos and Amos report, which as you well know is vital for my promotion,’ he says to me, and the note of irritation I’m starting to become familiar with creeps into his voice. ‘So what’s happened now?’
‘I missed a dress fitting,’ I tell him. ‘It’s no big deal.’
‘No big deal?’ whimpers Cordelia. ‘That fitting was at Pilkington Greens! They asked Vera Wang especially if we could have that dress. I had to…’ she pauses for effect and her voice quavers dramatically, ‘really grovel.’
‘You missed the fitting for your own wedding dress?’ James is incredulous.
‘Not on purpose! Anyway, I’ve already found a dress.’
‘See,’ wails Cordelia. ‘She’s rejecting me in every way. I’ve never been so hurt in all my life!’
‘I had to go to Sainsbury’s,’ I explain swiftly, ‘to buy food for your dinner party, James. I forgot I was supposed to be in Kensington.’
‘So it’s my son’s fault?’ Cordelia gasps, her hand flying to her throat. ‘You’re blaming poor James?’
‘I didn’t say that, but he wants me to cook this dinner. It’s really important, isn’t it, James?’
‘Not as important as my mother,’ he snaps.
‘I can’t listen to Katy blaming you for a minute longer.’ Cordelia reaches across the cooking island to grab her Louis Vuitton bag. ‘Call me later, darling, I’m too
wounded
to even look at her. You know how sensitive I am.’
Sensitive? Bulls in china shops take more care, but of course I can’t argue, I’ll just look even more of a bitch. I shake my head sadly and wonder how she always manages to make me look like the bad guy. James will take her side, he always does, and I’ll have to grovel. Again.
‘I feel one of my migraines coming on. Oh!’ Cordelia clutches her forehead and all but falls to the floor. ‘You’ll have to drive me home, baby angel, I can hardly see straight.’
‘Don’t worry, Mother,’ says the baby angel soothingly. ‘Of course I’ll take you home.’ But over the top of her head he shoots me another very ugly glare. He will have to drive all the way to Richmond now and sort out returning Cordelia’s car tomorrow, all of which means time away from sucking up to his bosses at the golf course and yet more black marks for me.
‘I can call you a cab, Cordelia,’ I say helpfully.
‘You will not!’ snaps James. ‘My mother is far too upset, thanks to your insensitivity. I’ll take her home myself. ‘
They shuffle along the hallway and out down the stairs, Cordelia groaning and James soothing her gently, while I try very hard to think about nice things. Like I said, I’ve been doing anger management at school, which is just as well right now. When I hear the front door slam I scream with all my might, just like the Ed Psych taught me. Thinking of nice things is hard because there’s a total dearth of them in my life at the minute, so I smash three dinner plates instead. A