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she told everyone about?
    She’s the janitor.
    The clean-up-and kiss-ass janitor. But that wouldn’t make you proud would it, Mom? You rotten old hag. Jayne only did what Jayne does best. She fabricated the story to make you happy. I bet you didn’t even know she does this for everyone? That’s the way she is, Mom. She has to be.
    Tears roll down my cheeks.
    I’m trembling now.
    I’m dead and I’m trembling. Weird.
    Don’t you see how hard it was for me, Mom? The kids made fun of me because of the way you smelled. You thought nobody noticed, but they did.
    My mind can’t stop thinking about grade school. I suddenly feel embarrassed because I remember standing by the dumpsters hoping nobody would notice if I snuck a few lunch leftovers. Those were the days I went without lunch because Jayne couldn’t get Mom settled before we went to school. I hated those days.
    I grind my teeth at the memory of hamburger gravy, slopped over a half-eaten roll, mixed with bits of sand from the playground.
    Yuck.
    I close my eyes and try to make it go away.
    “I needed you, Mom,” I say in a hushed voice because I’m afraid someone else will know what I’m thinking.
    Mom’s eyes are glassy now. She’s where she wants to be: checked out. Her weathered face is somewhat of a surprise. It’s been a long time since I’ve looked at her this closely. The strands of gray are starting to show through the bleached mess on her head. It’s amazing she has any hair left with all the damage she’s caused. She looks old. Older than I remember her looking a few days ago.
    I hate that you’re getting old. I suddenly feel bad. I don’t want you to die alone. I’m sorry I thought those things, Mom. I’m just mad. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know Johnny was a dirt bag. Nobody did.
    Nobody does.
    I reach down and clutch her hands, balking at her hidden memories. Her father beating her mother and then holding a shotgun to her mother’s head while she watched in horror. Mom jumps up first to try and stop him. She took the worst poundings because he hated her. He hated her for ruining his high-school football days and any future plans of a career in the sport. He hated her for growing in her mother’s sixteen-year-old belly. That’s when he started drinking. Then the wedding. Then more babies. Then her mother stopped having babies. He knew she’d done something to make that happen. That made him angrier because he wasn’t in control. And instead of getting help, he took it out on my mother. His oldest daughter.
    I pull away my betraying hands.
    No more.
    I don’t want to see anymore.
    I keep my distance. Afraid any part of her will take me back to that world again. A tender smell of Jovan musk seeps from under the blankets. Her eyes are heavy now. She’s starting to sweat. At any moment she’ll black out and forget today ever happened.
    I focus as hard as I can, trying not to relive her life, and move in closer, grabbing her hand before she has a chance to get away.
    I need to know one thing.
    Did you ever love me?
    The vision of what I’m searching for is cloudy. Then I see it. She’s at the hospital. Or I think it’s the hospital. She’s in a wheel chair rolling down the hallway. Yes, it’s a hospital, I can tell by the smell. I was just born. I’m in the nursery behind a glass window. She taps on the window. Someone is holding me. It’s not the doctor. And I don’t think it’s any of the staff.
    I concentrate harder.
    It’s my dad.
    Everything inside of me knows it’s him.
    I stare into coffee brown eyes so much like mine.
    He’s a bit on the plump side with olive skin. Just like me.
    My heart rattles with excitement.
    It’s my dad. It’s really him.
    Mom taps the window harder. I lose focus of my dad and stare at her crying. The nurses come. Dad swaggers to the hallway. Mom screams. There’s complete commotion. My dad doesn’t want to take on three other kids. He only wants me.
    Nobody has ever wanted