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pause as she chews a mouthful of cereal. “You’re not going to stop, are you?”
    I swallow. “No.”
    “I can’t fucking believe this.”
    I don’t answer.
    “What do I have to do, Niles? I’m seriously freaked out, OK? He was drunk. He fucking cut off your air supply , and—”
    “And I didn’t make a single move to stop it. He didn’t even have my arms tied down. I’m stronger than him. I could’ve pushed him off if I’d wanted to.”
    “That’s bullshit. He’s got such a creepy power over you! I hate it! Why don’t you get that you could’ve been killed !”
    “He wouldn’t hurt me.”
    “He already has. Just because I don’t comment on it doesn’t mean I haven’t seen the evidence.” The sentences start coming faster now, and I know we’re either going to fight it out or let it drop, but I don’t know which yet.
    “I like it.”
    “You lik ed it.” Shona’s voice is tight, loud, final. “Now, it’s fucked.”
    “I love him.”
    A pause. She sighs. Finally, “I know.”
    “How?” I never told her.
    “I’m not an idiot. It’s messed up. Look, just…will you get him to wear a fucking condom or something? If he’s not going to kill you while fucking you, I don’t want him to give you something that will kill you later on.”
    “What’s the point? I’ve got whatever he’s got.”
    “But you don’t have whatever he might get. ”
    I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to think about the possibility of him kissing-fucking-teasing-tying any one else, ever . I’m sick. I’m fucking sick. Hell. I wish Shona wasn’t right.
    “Fine.”
    “OK.” We breathe at each other for a minute or so. “Look, babe,” she says, finally, “I’ve gotta go. Call me? You know?”
    “I know.”
    “Love you.”
    “You too.”
    “More than he fucking does.” She hangs up.
    I feel like puking.
    * * *
    He calls later, as promised.
    “Helloooooo, Captain Niles.” He calls me that sometimes. Don’t know why. It seems to me his cheeriness should be forced but it comes across as completely natural.
    “Hey,” is all I can muster.
    “Soooo, are you coming over?”
    I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.
    “Yeah, alright.”
    “OoooK. Pick up a vocabulary on the way over, yeah?” he teases.
    I hang up.
    * * *
    My hands shake as I pay for the condoms. I feel like such an idiot. I’ve been having sex for over three years, and I have never used a condom, never even thought about it. Well, except for when Shona presses for it, but in the past I’ve always found ignoring her works quite well. I probably look like a quivering virgin. I can’t look the bored salesgirl in the eye; I’m such a douchebag.
    As soon as I’m out of the store, I rip open the pack and shove a couple condoms in my back pocket. I don’t know what to do with the rest of them so I throw them into a trash can. What the hell is wrong with me?
    For some reason when I get to Rylan’s I want to buzz up, even though I have his spare set of keys. I don’t buzz up, of course, don’t even know the code, and I don’t want him thinking something’s up anyway. There’s nothing up. I’m just utterly fucked up, that’s all.
    He smiles toothily at me from the couch when I open the door to his place, and he looks genuinely happy to see me. He always does. It’s probably why I keep coming back.
    He’s got Scrabble out on the coffee table, all set up. Bring a vocabulary, ha-ha, he thinks he’s funny at any rate. He holds out the Crown Royal bag he keeps the letters in, and I dutifully pull out seven tiles.
    “You can go first,” he informs me, only after inspecting his letters, making sure he’s not giving me too much of an advantage.
    I play “ORDAIN.” Scrabble sucks when you don’t have any letters worth more than two points and the board is the absolute last thing on your mind.
    He plays “SALIVA” and wiggles his eyebrows at me.
    I know where this is going. I play “VOUCH.”
    He screws his mouth up