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operational, it’s new recruit time at Training Camp Alpha. Here we see five bright orange recruits aboard the padded and fleece-lined Wickerbowl Three – the luxury heavy tribble transporter.

    These are no ordinary kittens. These are specially bred kittens with an augmented cuteness gene (aka the tribble gene). They are smaller and fluffier than the standard kitten and can incapacitate a human from ten yards.
    Human trainers have to wear special glasses when handling them.
    Warning: the following pictures are close-ups of cuteness enhanced kittens. If you are driving, operating heavy machinery, or have your hand hovering over a ‘launch nuclear missile now’ button ... do NOT look at the pictures until you have moved yourself to a place of safety. The publishers of this book will not be liable for any injury, or piles of rubble that used to be major cities, should a reader enter a trance-like state or collapse.

    Here is one of the new recruits practicing the ‘I am a poor, cold, lost kitty in need of a good home’ look.

    Next we have the ‘tile floor too slippy. Me fallz down. Need big monkey pick me up.’

    Here we see the new recruits being informed that all secret agents – especially James Bond – have to be wormed regularly. And before they can be wormed they have to be weighed.

    One recruit disputes the scales. I canz not weigh that much!

Nine: Monkey Climbing for Beginners
    Climbing is one of the most important skills that an international kitten of mystery needs to master. Curtains, armchairs, display cabinets filled with expensive glass and china, all make ideal candidates but nothing beats a pet human.
    They like it so much when your tiny claws poke through their clothing that they emit little monkey purrs – oo, ow, ow, oo.
Here we see Kinky Tribble, named after the slight kink in her tail, demonstrating the ‘climb and hang’ technique – ideal for those times you need extra height to see what your monkey’s up to.
    After all, that could be someone’s dinner being prepared up there.

    Next, we have an unfortunate accident when the cameraman was unexpectedly swarmed by Kinky Tribble – a kitten who climbs so fast and swerves back and forth that even a professional cameraman can’t snap her in time.
    The cameraman didn’t mind though. He purred.

    "Other monkey haz food," shouts a voice from below. "You haz climbed wrong monkey."
    "I haz not!" screams Kinky.

    Other monkey tracked down and swarmed.
    Maintaining cuteness at level ten and above demands constant feeding. And vigilance. Monkeys have a habit of hiding food and need frequent searching.

Ten: Circuit Training
    It's a tough life as an international kitten of mystery and training can't start early enough. Even young kittens have to get fit.

    Training Camp Alpha has a state-of-the-art gym with all the latest equipment. Here we see Spiky Tribble practicing his moves on the 'furry toy suspended from a chair.' Always a favorite.

    But sometimes you can't beat gnawing a chair leg.

    After the chair session comes the floor exercise. And if the floor's too hard you can always co-opt a monkey lap. Now work those stomach muscles with the Tribble spine twist and opposable paw touch.

Eleven: Mentoring
    Training Camp Alpha has been chosen to trial a new mentoring scheme to help train recruits. The plan is to have newly graduated kitten agents, like Kai and Xena, help with the training and offer one-on-one support.
    There are times when a young kitten needs the kind of TLC that a monkey just can’t provide.

    Here we see Xena offering some big sisterly advice to Targa Tribble.

    And making sure that Kinky Tribble is clean behind the ears and presentable.

    And conducting a masterclass in advanced snuggling.

    Kai, however, has not quite grasped the idea of what mentoring is supposed to be about.
    Here we see him sharing Wickerbowl Two with a squashed Tribble.

Twelve: