tug the clingy fabric up my
body. I want to feel my breast and see
if what he’s saying is right, but what the fuck do I know. I may know my body but I’m no oncology
major.
Fuck.
“Katelin,” Austin says from behind me. He’s gotten up from the bed and is pulling on
some shorts that must have been lying around.
“Just don’t,” I say firmly, as my throat closes with
the burn of tears that I do not intend to let go in front of them. This whole situation feels so wrong. I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. What
we just did was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. They’re
amazing. I felt amazing.
But none of that is going to matter now because all
they’re going to remember about me is that I might be sick. That makes me feel about as unsexy as I have
ever felt in my entire life. Even in my
clothes I feel naked.
“Hey,” Jason says. “Just take a deep breath, Katelin. Austin isn’t giving you a diagnosis, okay. He’s just telling you that you shouldn’t
ignore what’s there. Get yourself
checked out.”
“I heard what he said,” I hiss. I know that I shouldn’t be angry with Jason. I shouldn’t be angry with either of them, but
I’m so damn scared that I don’t know what to do with myself. They don’t know the history of my family.
They have no idea what this could mean for me.
I suck in a deep breath and hold it. I wrap my arms around myself and find that I
can’t move from the position of stillness that I’ve created. Moving would mean facing things. Leaving this room will mean that I have to
tell mom. It’ll mean I have to actually
do something and that something could change everything.
A terrible thought suddenly crosses my mind. What if tonight was the universes offering of
good before I’m faced with an epic ton of shit? What if I was given a chance to live out my fantasies because this is it
for me? Everything is about to go downhill.
I feel a warm hand on my shoulder which makes me curl
in on myself. I don’t want to cry but
I’m not strong enough to hold it in. My
chest hitches as I finally give in to the panic and sadness and utter
fear. Austin turns me and pulls me
against his chest, holding me tightly as though he wants to help hold me
together. Jason is there too, his big
kind hand rubbing my back soothingly. I
know they are probably looking at each other, communicating in their weird
learned-in-the-womb language, but I can’t bring myself to care. I soak up their reassuring strength and
closeness. I do what I crave and breath
in Austin’s scent and somehow, just the smell of him makes me feel safer.
“It’s okay,” Jason says. “Let it all out.”
And I do, until there is nothing left. I’m wrung
out.
It’s Jason who finally draws me away from his brother
and picks me up. He carries me into the
bathroom and sets me on the counter. He
finds a clean washcloth, wets it and hands it to me so that I can wipe my
face. He watches everything with his
serious eyes and when I’m done, he kisses me gently on the mouth.
“It might be nothing,” he says.
“I think it’s something.”
His expression darkens but he cups my cheek. “You don’t know that. You’re gonna have to take each stage as it
comes otherwise you’ll keep getting upset when there might be nothing to worry
about.”
I know he’s right but my stomach is tight with dread.
“I need to go home now,” I say.
“We’ll drive you.” Jason picks me up and carries me out into the den. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my
face there, happy to let go and allow myself to be taken care of for a
change. Austin already has my coat,
shoes, and purse and is waiting by the front door. He turns to open the door and then we make
our way back to the car. For a moment I
think about the twin’s family and whether anyone might be looking out of a
window.
Lex Williford, Michael Martone