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could just feel it, although
he did not open his eyes.
    ‘Yz, look at me,’ I said.
    His brow furrowed.
    ‘I think you should talk to me.
I’m not angry or needy. I’m concerned for you.’
    He looked at me then. ‘I
shouldn’t have done what I did. I saw in your breath…’ He shook his
head. ‘I told you, I can’t give you anything.’
    ‘I think you should let me be
the judge of that.’
    ‘Jass, you know. There
will be other students. There are always students.’ He put his head
in his hands. ‘Last night, I saw the potential. It was like a
beautiful garden, glimpsed through a half-open gate. I wanted to
fall back into you, be safe with you. I wanted to talk with you
over breakfast. I wanted to walk with you in the evening. And that
is so, so dangerous.’
    I went to his side. ‘Why, Yz? Why is it
dangerous? Do you think I’ll be jealous of your students, cause
trouble for you?’
    He nodded. ‘You don’t know what
it’s like.’
    ‘I’m willing to risk it,’ I
said. ‘I want to.’
    ‘I want to as well.’ He took me
in his arms then, and we shared breath for a long time. This was
what I’d longed for so much. I couldn’t help but shed a few tears.
He kissed them away, stroked my face. ‘Last night… Jass, I knew. I
knew it wasn’t just a meal between friends. I have tried to hide it
so well, and so have you. How could we have lied to each other so
cleverly? I love you.’
    I had never imagined it would
happen so simply and spontaneously: him saying those words I had
longed to hear.
    ‘Don’t be afraid,’ I said.
‘Just don’t. We’ll live for the moment and see where it takes
us.’
    He nodded. ‘I want to believe
in the dream, Jass. I really do.’
    I drew away from him. ‘Come
over later. I’ve got a few things to do today. Then we can
talk.’
    ‘I will.’ He kissed my cheek.
‘Thanks for coming here. I told myself that if you didn’t come, I
must forget about it, but you had the courage to come.’
    One thing I was sure of was
that Ysobi had been very badly hurt in the past. He was afraid of
being close to me, because he thought I’d eventually turn on him.
I’d felt that in his breath. I think maybe it had happened to him
more than once.
    Back home, I tidied the house
in a kind of euphoric delirium, then went out and fetched a few
things from the market. Minnow turned up again in the afternoon,
just when I got back, so I couldn’t avoid him.
    ‘Well?’ he demanded.
    ‘What is it?’
    He folded his arms. ‘You know
what! You and Ysobi. Is it true?’
    Insouciantly, I moved things around on
the kitchen table. ‘He didn’t stay here last night, if that’s what
you mean. We went out together. That does not constitute a chesna
bond.’
    ‘Yz does not go out with
anyhar,’ Minnow insisted. ‘Not now.’
    I sensed he wanted to tell me
something, but I didn’t really want to hear it. Not from him. ‘I
know about that,’ I said. ‘We’re friends, that’s all. If it’s meant
to go any further, then it will. I have no expectations.’
    ‘Don’t get messed up,’ Minnow
said. ‘Please, Jass. Be careful. Lots of hara have been taken under
his spell while they train with him. It’s a hazard.’
    ‘I’m old and wise enough to
look after myself,’ I said. ‘I’m not stupid.’
    Minnow’s expression was dark.
‘I know. But sometimes Ysobi is .’
    ‘You said yourself, he doesn’t
see anyhar. This is different.’
    Minnow shook his head and
sighed. ‘I hope so.’
    Ysobi came round about 7.30
again. Like the previous night, he was not wearing his hienama
gear. I made us dinner and we talked. Well, he talked mainly. There
were no names mentioned specifically, and he skirted the subject,
but I knew he was trying to tell me of failed chesna bonds before.
He wanted me to assure him I wasn’t going to take offence too
easily. ‘I’ll be taking other students in the New Year,’ he said.
‘Maybe that will be the test.’
    ‘I’m willing to take it,’ I
said.