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already know the risks. In
my case, I was counting on them. Smoking made me feel powerful and
in control. I was angry with God for the abuse I had experienced as
a child. I didn’t want to live in a world that was so cruel.
Smoking seemed like the perfect solution.
    I realize now that I was smoking to medicate
feelings of anxiety and kill myself at the same time. I wanted to
be more powerful than God. If God wanted me to live, than killing
myself with cigarettes was the perfect way to rebel against
Him/Her. There were times in my life when I really did want to
quit, but my anger, fear, and a desperate need to feel in control
of my life continued to fuel my addiction.
    I tried to quit smoking fifteen times before
I was finally successful. And even then, I became so depressed that
I left my job and temporarily moved back in with my parents. To
willingly give up the feelings of power and control I had gotten
from smoking cigarettes was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
    I realize now that smoking cigarettes was
also a way to keep myself miserable. It had become a sick way to
punish myself for having been abused. Sometimes I took pleasure in
knowing that it was killing me. Deep inside, I believed that only
“bad” little boys or girls got sexually abused. I decided that I
must have done something terrible to deserve what had happened to
me. I used to believe that people got what they deserved. Now I
understand they do not.
    None of us deserve to be abused, and we are
not bad because of what happened to us. It’s time to let go of the
way “they” treated us and start taking responsibility for the way
we choose to treat ourselves.
    I am an addictions counselor and I can tell
you that most people can’t quit their chemical addictions without
help. Inpatient facilities and outpatient counseling programs can
help get us started on the road to recovery. Later, support groups
like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and faith-based
self-help groups like Celebrate Recovery can help us to maintain
our recovery process.
    When I first quit smoking, I felt emotionally
raw for a full year. But being sober helped me get in touch with
feelings I had been avoiding for years. It took time, but I slowly
began to feel better about myself. My self-esteem began to improve.
Over time, I learned the true meaning of feeling good.
    In the past, our abusers exploited our
weaknesses and attacked our self-esteem. At some point, we came to
believe that we deserved their abuse. We may have even taken over
for our abusers by disrespecting and abusing our own bodies. It’s
time to get the abuser out of our head. When it comes to addiction,
we are the only ones who can stop the abuse.
     
    Exercise 4-1
    Identifying Chemical Addictions Self-Test
    -This is a self-test I developed for addicts
to help identify the extent of our addiction to alcohol and drugs.
Check any of the characteristics that apply to your drug/alcohol
use.
    _____ 1. I wind up using more drugs/alcohol
than I planned to.
    _____ 2. I slam, guzzle, or smoke to get high
more quickly.
    _____ 3. I often use drugs/alcohol with the
intention of getting wasted/drunk.
    _____ 4. I sometimes use drugs/alcohol when
I’m alone.
    _____ 5. I have needed more alcohol or drugs
to get drunk/high.
    _____ 6. I have hoarded drugs/alcohol or kept
a private stash.
    _____ 7. I have concealed the amount or
frequency of my drug/alcohol use from family or friends.
    _____ 8. I have lied about drinking or using
to others.
    _____ 9. I have engaged in illegal behavior
as a result of drinking/using.
    _____ 10. I have had problems with certain
relationships as a result of drinking/using.
    _____ 11. I have done things I said I would
never do as a result of drinking/using.
    _____ 12. I have often drank/used as a
reaction to difficult feelings (anger, fear, pain, discomfort, or
stress.)
    _____ 13. I frequently thought about the next
time I was going to drink/use.
    _____ 14. I planned for my drinking/using